When we develop an intimate crush on a person, we see only fragments of who they are. The gaps we fill in with our minds of who we want them to be. This can be a two way street in the imagination, both parties seeking an ideal partner on a crossroads of desire and expectation. Any small sign that indicates the person fulfils one or more aspects of our mental criteria is enough for us to label him/her as the one. The rest of our wish list we project onto them. When we see someone standing at a point where we want to reach, be it spiritual, physical or emotional, we create little fantasies in our head and these seeds grow in our psyche, creating a role for the desired person in a huge act of reductionism.

Ultimately any relationship based on this premise is doomed. If we are invested in believing the fabricated story we have created for someone, parting ways can be like tearing strips of fiction from our skin. The pages of your combined story comes undone as you realise that he/she is a totally different person to the one in your head. You are complete strangers in your own love story.

Perhaps, at the outset if we pay attention to people and really listen to them, rather than how we choose to interpret them, we would feel their true essence. After all it is the initial feeling that attracts us to the person, if we rush in with needs and expectations we place a huge weight upon the other. Expecting someone to fulfil a role you place on them is a form of emotional blackmail. If they have low self-esteem or other emotional issues, they feel love is only shown when they meet the role, or conditions placed upon them.

When we see a person for who they are, accepting their light and shade, we can see them blossom in front of us. We grow in the light of acceptance. The natural characteristics of a person come to the fore and we realise that the Universe is truly the best author of our lives.

~ Collette OMahony

December 2014