Tag Archives: relationships

Why We’re Drawn to Certain People: Exploring Our Inner Relationship Patterns

Leave a reply

Many people notice recurring patterns in their relationships. They may find themselves drawn to similar types of partners, or experiencing familiar tensions again and again, even when circumstances change. Often, these patterns are not just about the other person. They can reflect something deeper; an internal relationship between different parts of the self. In psychological terms, we all carry a range of inner capacities. Some of these are more structured, action-oriented, and focused on thinking or problem-solving. Others are more relational, intuitive, and emotionally attuned. Rather than seeing these as strictly “masculine” or “feminine,” it can be helpful to understand them as complementary aspects of our psychological makeup. Some people also find it useful to think of these as “left” and “right” aspects of the self; different, but equally important ways of experiencing and responding to life.

When One Side Becomes More Familiar

Over time, many people come to rely more heavily on one way of being. For some, this might look like a strong sense of independence, clear thinking, and self-reliance, while emotional expression or vulnerability feels less accessible. For others, emotional connection may feel natural and important, while boundaries, direction, or self-definition can feel more difficult to hold onto. These patterns usually develop for understandable reasons. Early relationships and life experiences often shape which parts of us feel safe to express, and which parts are held back or less developed. When one side becomes more familiar, other aspects of the self can quietly move into the background.

How This Can Show Up in Relationships

Close relationships tend to bring these internal dynamics gently into focus. A person who feels more comfortable relying on themselves may find themselves drawn to someone who is emotionally expressive and open. Someone who values closeness and connection may feel drawn to a partner who appears steady, grounded, or decisive. At times, this can feel balancing. At other times, it can create strain, particularly when both people are unknowingly leaning on each other to hold what feels difficult within themselves. One person may long for closeness while the other needs space. One may try to think things through, while the other seeks to feel understood. One may take on responsibility, while the other feels overwhelmed by it. These patterns are rarely random. They often reflect an attempt, at a deeper level, to create a sense of balance.

The Pull Towards What Is Less Developed

It can sometimes feel as though we are drawn to in others what is less familiar in ourselves. This does not mean that relationships are simply projections. However, they can bring us into contact with parts of ourselves that we have had less opportunity to develop or feel comfortable with. For example, someone who finds vulnerability difficult may feel both drawn to and unsettled by emotional openness in another person. Someone who feels uncertain in their independence may admire strength and clarity in others, while also feeling intimidated by it. Experiences like this can carry both a sense of connection and a sense of tension.

The Search for Wholeness in Relationships

At a deeper level, many people experience a sense of longing in relationships that can be difficult to fully explain. It can feel like a pull towards something that is not quite accessible on one’s own. This longing is often not simply about the other person, but about a movement within the self towards greater balance. When certain aspects of our inner world feel less developed or harder to access, they can create a quiet sense of incompleteness. At times, this can become most visible in the way we experience attraction. We may find ourselves strongly drawn to people who seem to embody qualities that feel distant from our usual way of being. This can create a sense of excitement, recognition, or even intensity that feels difficult to put into words. At the same time, these relationships can also bring moments of frustration or confusion, particularly when they begin to touch parts of us that feel unfamiliar or vulnerable. In this way, relationships can sometimes act as a kind of mirror. They can bring into awareness aspects of ourselves that may have remained in the background for a long time. This process is not always comfortable. It can stir old emotional patterns, challenge familiar ways of coping, and invite growth that takes time.

Moving Towards Greater Integration

Therapeutic work often involves gently helping people become more aware of these internal patterns, and supporting the development of a wider range of responses. This might involve learning to pause and reflect rather than react, becoming more familiar with emotional experience while also maintaining clarity of thought, and gradually building both connection and boundaries in a way that feels manageable. The aim is not to replace one way of being with another, but to allow more flexibility, so that different parts of the self can come forward when they are needed. Over time, this can ease the pressure placed on relationships to provide something that feels missing internally.

Mutual Influence and Growth

It can be helpful to remember that this process moves in both directions. Just as we may feel impacted by someone else, we are also part of their experience. Relationships are rarely one-sided; they involve an ongoing exchange in which both people are, in different ways, influencing and responding to each other. Because of this, qualities such as patience, clarity, and respect become especially important. Being able to communicate honestly, while also recognising the other person’s separate experience, can help create a sense of emotional safety. Allowing space for difference, without trying to control or reshape the other, can support a more genuine form of connection. Over time, this kind of environment makes it more possible for both people to grow, not through pressure or expectation, but through increased awareness and understanding.

A More Balanced Way of Relating

As a person develops a more integrated sense of themselves, relationships often begin to feel different. There can be a little more space where there was once urgency. Differences can feel easier to tolerate. Communication may become clearer, and there can be a growing sense of steadiness, even when things feel challenging. Rather than being pulled along by familiar patterns, there is often more room for choice, for understanding, and for responding in ways that feel more aligned with the present moment.

A Compassionate Perspective

Many of the patterns people struggle with in relationships are not signs of something going wrong. They are often the result of the mind adapting, in thoughtful and creative ways, to earlier experiences. What once helped to maintain safety or connection can, over time, begin to feel limiting. With awareness, patience, and the right kind of support, it becomes possible to develop a more balanced internal relationship; one that allows for both strength and sensitivity, independence and connection. From this place, relationships with others can feel less like a repetition of the past, and more like something that is being shaped, with care, in the present.

Collette O’Mahony – April 2026

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.

The Role of Childhood in Forming Adult Identities

Leave a reply

Many adults who begin therapy describe a subtle but persistent feeling that they have spent much of their lives being the person others needed them to be, rather than the person they naturally are. On the outside they may appear capable, responsible and well adjusted, yet internally there can be a sense of disconnection from their own feelings, preferences or needs. In psychology this experience is sometimes described as living from a false self.

Despite how the phrase may sound, a false self is not about dishonesty or pretending. It is usually a protective adaptation that develops during childhood in response to the emotional environment around us. When we understand how this process unfolds, it becomes easier to see why so many thoughtful, capable adults still struggle with authenticity later in life.

The idea of the false self was introduced by the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who observed that a child’s sense of identity develops through being seen, understood and responded to by caregivers. When a child’s feelings and spontaneous expressions are welcomed, they gradually develop what Winnicott called a true self; a sense of being real, emotionally alive and able to express themselves naturally in the world.

However, not all environments allow this process to unfold easily. Children are highly sensitive to the emotional climate around them. If certain feelings lead to tension, criticism, withdrawal or unpredictability, the child often learns, without consciously realising it, to adjust their behaviour in order to maintain connection and safety. They may become especially responsible, quiet their own needs, avoid conflict or focus on keeping others comfortable. These adjustments can work remarkably well in childhood, helping the child navigate difficult emotional situations. Over time, however, these adaptive patterns can become so familiar that they begin to replace the person’s natural responses.

In adult life this can lead to a feeling of performing rather than simply being. Some people notice that they automatically prioritise other people’s needs, struggle to identify what they themselves want, or feel uneasy expressing disagreement or vulnerability. Others describe a sense of exhaustion from constantly adapting to expectations. Interestingly, these patterns can become especially noticeable in environments that resemble earlier family dynamics. Returning to the family home, interacting with certain relatives or entering hierarchical situations can sometimes trigger a quick return to old ways of responding. When this happens, it does not mean that personal growth has been lost; it simply means that the mind recognises a familiar emotional landscape and briefly reactivates an old strategy for maintaining safety.

Seen in this light, the false self is not a flaw but a sign of the mind’s remarkable adaptability. At the time it developed, it was often the best available way to preserve connection, stability or emotional protection. For this reason, the aim of therapy is not to eliminate this part of the self but to understand it and gradually reduce the need to rely on it in every situation.

Reconnecting with a more authentic sense of self tends to be a gradual and compassionate process rather than a dramatic transformation. It often begins with simply noticing the moments when we automatically adapt or override our own feelings. From there, many people begin to rediscover their internal experience, such as preferences, emotions and bodily responses, which may have been set aside for many years. As these signals become clearer, it becomes possible to experiment with expressing them in small, safe ways within supportive relationships.

Over time, these experiences help the nervous system learn something important: that authenticity does not necessarily threaten connection. In fact, when it is expressed thoughtfully and safely, authenticity often deepens relationships rather than weakening them.

In this sense, reconnecting with the authentic self is rarely about becoming someone new. More often it involves rediscovering aspects of ourselves that were always present but had to remain quiet for a time. With patience, understanding and the right support, people can learn that it is possible to remain connected to others while also remaining connected to themselves.

Collette O’Mahony 07 March 2026

If anything in this article resonates and you wish to explore more: Contact me at info@colletteomahony.com – with your name, age, issue and goals for therapy. I offer a free introduction session of 15 minutes to assess if you want to proceed. One hour online sessions are £45. Psychotherapy

Surviving Parental Trauma

Leave a reply

Many adults struggle in relationships, with emotions, or with their sense of self without fully understanding why. Often, the missing piece is this: they grew up with a parent who was carrying unresolved trauma. This article is for adult children of trauma-affected parents. It is not about diagnosing parents or assigning blame. Instead, it’s about understanding how growing up around unprocessed trauma can shape a child and how that child, now an adult, can begin to heal. A parent does not need to talk about their trauma for it to affect their child. Trauma lives in the nervous system, and children are exquisitely sensitive to it. They feel it in tone, in mood shifts, in emotional absences, and in reactions that seem bigger than the moment calls for. A trauma-affected parent may feel emotionally unpredictable to a child, sometimes present and loving, other times overwhelmed, withdrawn, anxious, controlling, or unreachable. Even when care and love are present, they may exist alongside fear, confusion, or emotional distance. For a child, this creates a painful contradiction: the same person who provides comfort may also be the source of distress. Over time, the child adapts.

Adaptation as Survival

Children always adapt to their environment. When a parent’s unresolved trauma dominates the emotional landscape, the child learns, often without awareness, what is required to stay connected and safe. Many adult children of trauma-affected parents learned to closely monitor moods, anticipate emotional shifts, stay quiet or helpful, take responsibility for other people’s feelings, or grow up far too quickly. These were not personality traits; they were survival strategies.

Often, these adaptations later become strengths. Empathy, responsibility, sensitivity, and attunement may be highly developed. But what once protected the child can later limit the adult, especially in relationships that require mutuality rather than vigilance.

Body Memory

Trauma is not just remembered; it is encoded in the nervous system. As adults, many people notice that being with their parent, or even thinking about them, triggers strong physical responses. Anxiety, panic, freezing, emotional shutdown, sudden anger, or overwhelming guilt can appear quickly and feel disproportionate. Some people notice that they feel much younger in these moments, as though they are transported back into the emotional world of childhood. These reactions are not signs of weakness or immaturity. They are learned survival responses. The body remembers what it had to do to stay safe long before the adult mind had language or choice.

Invisible Beliefs

Growing up around unresolved trauma often shapes quiet, deeply held beliefs about self and relationships. Many adult children carry an unspoken sense that their needs are too much, that they are responsible for other people’s emotions, or that closeness inevitably leads to danger or loss. These beliefs are rarely conscious, yet they influence boundaries, intimacy, work, and self-worth throughout adulthood. They shape how much space a person feels entitled to take, how safe they feel depending on others, and how easily they experience guilt when prioritising themselves.

Triggers

For many adult children, the parent themselves becomes a trauma trigger, not because the parent intends harm, but because the relationship is linked to years of emotional unpredictability. This can create a deep and painful inner conflict. There may be a longing for closeness alongside a strong sense of unsafety, compassion that exists next to anger or grief, or a tendency to minimize one’s own pain because the parent “had it worse.” Understanding this dynamic can be profoundly relieving. It explains why insight alone does not make these reactions disappear and why healing must involve the nervous system, not just logic or willpower.

One of the most difficult and most healing tasks for adult children is learning to hold two truths at the same time: a parent may have been deeply wounded and doing the best they could, and the child’s emotional needs were still not fully met. Acknowledging impact is not the same as blaming. Your pain does not invalidate your compassion, and your compassion does not erase your pain. Both can exist together.

Healing

Healing from parental trauma is not about fixing the parent or forcing forgiveness. It is about restoring safety, choice, and connection to oneself. This often includes learning to recognise and regulate trauma responses, developing boundaries that protect the nervous system, grieving the parent you needed but did not have, and untangling responsibility from love. Over time, it also means building relationships that feel steadier, more reciprocal, and less activating.

Healing rarely happens all at once. It unfolds gradually, in layers. What matters is not how much you understand, but how much safety you allow yourself to experience in the present.

If you grew up with a trauma-affected parent, your struggles make sense. You adapted to an environment that asked more of you than it should have. You are not broken. You are responding exactly as someone who learned to survive early and often. Healing does not require blame. It requires honesty, compassion, and the permission to care for yourself in ways you never received. You deserved safety then. You are allowed to choose it now.

For one-to-one counselling email me with your name, age and goals for therapy. I offer a free introductory session of 15 minutes. All sessions are online.

info@colletteomahony.com

Collette O’Mahony. February 2026.

Defence Mechanisms

Leave a reply

Excuses, excuses.

Excuses can be seen as a way to mitigate personal responsibility or as a subtle form of apology. We often use them in hopes of softening the frustration of someone we have let down, yet consistently relying on excuses can reveal a conscious or unconscious attempt to manipulate other people’s emotions, seeking either pity or control. It’s important to differentiate between someone making an excuse to spare another’s feelings and someone doing so to avoid accountability.

We employ all kinds of excuses to justify poor behaviour. These excuses spring from our belief system and are fertilised by unconscious guilt, shame or denial. Admitting we are wrong deflates the ego, while using an excuse neutralises the effect on our self-esteem. Using excuses like being distracted or overwhelmed with work is less damaging to our ego than admitting we are negligent or forgetful. Excusing our behaviour shifts responsibility to external factors, allowing us to avoid accountability. In so doing, we do not have to feel or process any guilt associated with our behaviour.

When we continually use excuses to mask our behaviour, we are signalling to the world that we have no control over our actions. Our energy conveys that we are not mature enough to take responsibility for our choices and their consequences. Excuses and denial are weeds that choke the seeds of potential. Every excuse we make to avoid facing our emotions stunts our growth, and the harm we inflict on our authentic self is mirrored back to us by the outer world.

Energy Signals

Feelings, such as shame and guilt, are less desirable than dignity or pride, and call for humility. It is the value judgment we attach to an emotion that characterises the feeling as right or wrong, good or bad. These labels are often subjective and are shaped by past experiences and beliefs. The key to releasing an emotion is to allow it to exist without assigning a value to it. This form of acceptance is transformational.

Emotions are energy signals from our body informing us of certain behaviours that are out of alignment with our authentic self. If we’ve wronged someone, they serve as a prompt to address the situation. If we avoid the prompt, the energy from the emotion is projected in the mind and becomes distorted by value judgements. For instance, a man cuts ahead of people queueing at a coffee takeout. He becomes aware of an energy signal that indicates he is out of sync with the people around him (our collective energy comes from the same source). Instead of apologising or stepping back in line, he ignores the emotion, and it triggers a feeling response such as ‘I’m justified because I am in a hurry’, or, ‘I am a regular customer and deserve to be served first’.

An objectified emotion becomes a feeling. Continuing to ignore energy signals lead to further projection of hurt and pain onto the world around us, which can manifest in disagreements at work, or arguments at home. If not addressed, these situations escalate into conflict and drama.

We may automatically use avoidance as the best option to numb our feelings by binging on TV, food or drink. Regardless of the avoidance strategy we use, we are letting our unresolved conflicts dictate our behaviour instead of confronting the issue. When we deny a feeling within us, we consign the energy to the unconscious where it causes behavioural defects. When we avoid necessary conversations to resolve conflicts, it often stems from a fear of the outcome. We may have witnessed or participated in conflicts that led to irreparable breakdowns, which have shaped our coping strategies. We might either avoid disputes altogether to preserve a relationship, or end a relationship to steer clear of conflict. This is the foundation of maladaptive behaviour, where we link every tense argument to a potentially explosive situation based on our history.

Releasing Emotions

We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.

When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.

We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience. 

Taken from A Compass for Change

Collette O’Mahony

June 2025

Recognising Behaviour Patterns

Leave a reply

Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. We have already discussed avoidance as a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health.

Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.

Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society.

To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?

It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.

Trigger and Response.

With guidance and practice, we can learn to recognise triggers that cause a heightened emotional response to an event, person or image. We must identify these triggers in the moment, pause, then using something as simple as three deep breaths to break the automatic link between the emotional stressor and our automatic behavioural response, or reaction.

By taking responsibility for how we manage our emotions, we free ourselves from being ruled by automatic, often impulsive, behaviours that can escalate situations into conflict. Instead, we gain the freedom to choose how we respond, ensuring that our actions align with our values rather than our immediate emotional state.

When emotions are suppressed rather than addressed, they tend to resurface later, often with more intensity, triggered by similar situations from the past. Taking responsibility means acknowledging these emotions and addressing them head-on, rather than letting them fester. Once the emotional intensity cools, reflecting on the situation and the emotions it evoked such as fear, anger, guilt, or something else, gives us the power to understand our patterns and anticipate future reactions.

True Potential.

Taking responsibility is an important step towards realising our true potential. We must hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, words and actions that negatively impact on our lives and others. Every harsh word from the inner critic of our mind, toward ourselves, shrinks the fulfilment of potential. When our minds are restless and our hearts are troubled, we lose connection with our inner guidance and struggle to know which way to go. When our minds are calm, our hearts open, and we gain clarity.

Through quiet reflection and conscious breathing, we can gain access to inner directive and our truest nature. True self is deeper than flesh, it is a wholesome nourishment in the seed of the individual, propagated by responsibility and freedom. The courage to change helps us to break through the tough shell of mental inertia to realise the fruit of our true design. Healing work is tending to the seed, encouraging it to germinate and casting off the husk of conditioned behaviour and unconscious beliefs. The seed of potential must be nourished by daily mindfulness to expand awareness.

We all have blind spots when it comes to our behaviour, sometimes it takes someone else to challenge us on our difficult or challenging behaviours. When confronted with these blind spots, we often become defensive or deny them, confusing our behaviour with our sense of identity.

An extract from my book A COMPASS FOR CHANGE

For online counselling contact me at : info@colletteomahony.com

or visit my counselling page colletteomahony.com/counselling