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The Conversation Beneath the Conversation: How Attachment Styles Shape Our Relationships

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Many of the difficulties we experience in relationships are not really about what appears to be happening on the surface. A couple may argue about how often someone texts. A parent and adult child may disagree about how often they see one another. Friends may fall out because one person has become quieter or more distant. The conversation may appear to be about messages, time, attention or behaviour. But beneath the conversation can be deeper questions:

Are you still there for me? Can I depend on you? Do I matter to you?

Attachment theory offers one way of understanding why two people can experience the same interaction so differently. Our attachment patterns can influence what we notice, what we fear and, perhaps most importantly, what we believe another person’s behaviour means. The same words can create very different emotional responses depending on the attachment system listening to them.

When the Anxious Person Reaches for Connection

Someone with an anxious attachment pattern may be particularly sensitive to changes in closeness or connection. A delayed message, a different tone of voice or a partner becoming quieter than usual can quickly activate fears of rejection or abandonment. The difficulty is that the underlying need for reassurance does not always emerge as reassurance-seeking.

Instead of saying, “I’m feeling disconnected from you and I need some reassurance,” the person may ask: “Why haven’t you called me?”

The other person may hear criticism, pressure or accusation. But beneath the words may be something much more vulnerable where the anxious person needs to know they still matter to you. When this need is not understood, both people can become increasingly frustrated. One person believes they are asking for connection, while the other believes they are being criticised.

When the Avoidant Person Creates Distance

Someone with an avoidant attachment pattern may respond to emotional intensity in a very different way. Where one person moves towards connection when distressed, another may move away. They may become quiet during conflict. They may need time alone to think. They may withdraw when conversations become emotionally intense or feel uncomfortable with being expected to immediately express what they are feeling. To someone with an anxious attachment pattern, this distance can feel like rejection. They think the other person is shutting them out or has lost interest in the relationship. Whereas the avoidant person’s internal experience may be very different. They feel overwhelmed and need space to regain a sense of control.

The difficulty is that the distance intended as protection can be experienced by the other person as abandonment. Again, two people may be responding to the same situation while having entirely different emotional experiences.

The Anxious-Avoidant Dance

Perhaps one of the most recognisable attachment patterns occurs when anxious and avoidant responses meet. One person senses distance and moves closer. The other experiences that closeness as pressure and moves away. The greater the distance, the more anxious the first person becomes. The greater the pursuit, the more overwhelmed the second person feels. Both become increasingly convinced that the other is the problem. The anxious person may think that the more the other person withdraws, the more they need to reach out. Whereas the avoidant person may think that the more they are pursued, the more they need to escape. Neither person is necessarily trying to hurt the other. Yet both may be unintentionally activating the other’s deepest fears. The cycle itself becomes the problem.

Recognising this can be an important turning point in a relationship. Instead of asking Who is right?, both people can begin asking: What is happening between us?

When Fear Pulls in Two Directions

Fearful-avoidant attachment can create an additional layer of complexity. The person may deeply desire closeness while simultaneously fearing it. They may long for intimacy and reassurance, yet become uncomfortable when someone gets emotionally close. Their experience can sometimes feel like abandonment, or they require distance to feel safe. This can be confusing for partners, family members and friends. The person’s behaviour may appear inconsistent because they are caught between two powerful needs: the desire for connection and the need for protection. They may move towards someone and then suddenly withdraw. They may want reassurance but struggle to trust it when it is offered. Understanding this pattern does not mean excusing difficult behaviour. It means recognising that what appears inconsistent on the outside may reflect an internal struggle between closeness and safety.

What Secure Attachment Brings to Communication

Secure attachment does not mean never feeling anxious, hurt or afraid. It does not mean having perfect relationships or never experiencing conflict. What it can offer is a greater ability to experience difficulty without immediately assuming that the relationship itself is under threat. Someone with a more secure attachment pattern may be better able to communicate the experience beneath their reaction.

Instead of:  You never care about me, try I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately.

Instead of disappearing during conflict, they might say: I’m upset and need some time to think, but I want to come back to this conversation.

Secure communication does not prevent misunderstanding. It makes repair more possible.

Attachment Is Not Just About Romantic Relationships

Although attachment is often discussed in relation to couples, these patterns can also appear in families and friendships. One friend may need frequent communication to feel connected, while another may feel perfectly secure speaking less often. An adult child may seek greater emotional closeness with a parent who responds by becoming distant. A sibling’s independence may be interpreted by another as rejection. Neither person’s needs are necessarily wrong. The difficulty often begins when we assume that another person experiences connection in the same way that we do. We can easily mistake difference for rejection. We can mistake someone’s need for space as a lack of love. Or mistake someone’s need for reassurance as an attempt to control us. Attachment awareness invites us to become more curious about the meaning beneath behaviour.

From Blame to Understanding

The value of understanding attachment patterns is not in giving ourselves or others another label. We are not simply anxious, avoidant or secure people who must remain that way forever. Attachment patterns can be influenced by relationships, experiences and greater self-awareness. Beneath criticism may be a need for reassurance. Beneath withdrawal may be overwhelm. Beneath anger may be fear. Beneath distance may be a need for safety.

When we begin to hear the conversation beneath the conversation, relationships can become less about defending ourselves and more about understanding what is happening between us. Because beneath many of our conflicts is a deeply human question: Can I be close to you and still feel safe?

Further Reading

If you would like to explore attachment theory and the four commonly discussed adult attachment patterns in more detail, The Attachment Project offers accessible resources and further information on attachment theory and relationships.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

When Familiar Feels Like Love

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Why Do We Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns?

Sometimes we find ourselves living through the same emotional story with different people. The faces change, the circumstances change, yet something about the relationship feels strangely familiar. We may find ourselves waiting for someone to choose us, working hard to keep someone close, becoming anxious when they pull away, rescuing others, or feeling drawn towards people who cannot quite give us what we need. Why does this happen?

Perhaps because we are not always drawn towards what is healthy or even what we consciously want. Sometimes, we are drawn towards what we recognise. What feels familiar can feel strangely like home, even when home was not always a safe or comfortable place to be.

What We Learn Becomes What We Expect

From an early age, we begin learning about relationships. We learn how people respond to our needs, how affection is expressed, how conflict is handled and whether closeness feels safe or uncertain. These experiences gradually become internal expectations. A child who learns that love is inconsistent may grow into an adult who watches carefully for signs that someone is pulling away. Someone who learned that they had to keep others happy may become an adult who automatically puts their own needs aside. Someone who experienced emotional distance may become particularly sensitive to rejection. These responses are not necessarily conscious choices. They can become deeply embedded ways of navigating relationships. Over time, an experience can become a belief. The belief becomes an expectation. The expectation influences our behaviour. And our behaviour can then reinforce the original belief. It becomes a cycle.

The Stories We Carry About Ourselves

Some of these beliefs are about other people:

People cannot really be trusted.

People eventually leave.

If I don’t keep trying, they will lose interest.

Love can disappear without warning.

But some of the deepest beliefs are about ourselves:

I am not enough.

My needs are too much.

I have to earn love.

I am responsible for how other people feel.

If someone is unhappy with me, I must have done something wrong.

We may not consciously think these things every day. Yet they can quietly influence the choices we make, the people we are attracted to and the way we respond when relationships become difficult. This is one reason why changing a relationship pattern can be so difficult. We are not simply changing a behaviour. We may be challenging a belief that has been reinforced for many years.

Why We Repeat the Pattern

We don’t necessarily choose the same type of person repeatedly. Sometimes, we recreate the same emotional position with different people. The names change. The circumstances change. The relationship may look completely different. et internally, we may find ourselves becoming the same version of ourselves. The one who waits, or the one who pursues. The one who rescues, or the one who pleases. The one who proves their worth, or one who becomes anxious. The one who withdraws before they can be rejected.

This is where repetition becomes interesting. We can unconsciously return to familiar situations because they give us another opportunity to experience something we already understand, even if that experience is painful. Familiarity can feel more comfortable than uncertainty because at least we know how to respond to it. A healthy relationship may therefore feel unfamiliar at first. Someone who communicates openly may feel strangely difficult to trust. Someone who offers affection freely may leave us wondering what they really want. A calm relationship may even feel as though something is missing. Not because there is something wrong with the relationship. Because our internal system has learned to associate intensity, uncertainty or emotional pursuit with connection.

The Self-Fulfilling Pattern

There is another reason these patterns can become so powerful. Our beliefs influence how we behave, and how we behave can influence how other people respond to us. Imagine someone who believes that people will eventually leave. They become anxious when their partner needs space. They seek reassurance. They monitor changes in tone or behaviour. They become increasingly preoccupied with the relationship. Their partner may then feel pressured and begin withdrawing. The withdrawal confirms the original belief:

“I knew they would leave.”

The belief becomes stronger. This does not mean that we are responsible for another person’s behaviour. Nor does it mean that every relationship problem originates within us. It means that our history can influence the way we enter relationships and interpret what happens within them.

Becoming Aware of the Pattern

Changing these patterns begins with noticing them. Instead of asking only, “Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?”, we might begin asking:

What role do I keep finding myself in?

What do I expect from other people?

What do I believe I have to do to be loved?

What happens inside me when someone gets close?

Does this feel right, or does it simply feel familiar?

These questions create a small but important space between the old pattern and the present moment. And within that space, something becomes possible. Choice.

We cannot change experiences that happened to us. We cannot rewrite every belief we learned along the way. But we can begin to recognise the stories we have carried forward and question whether they still belong in our lives. Perhaps healing is not about becoming someone completely different. Perhaps it is about becoming aware of the version of ourselves that learned how to survive certain relationships, and gently teaching that part of us that life, and love, can be different now. Because familiar is not always safe. Familiar is not always healthy. And familiar is not necessarily love. Sometimes, it is simply what we learned to call love before we knew there was another way.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives. To book a free introduction session click here.

Why Adulthood Doesn’t Always Feel Like You Thought It Would

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Many people expect adulthood to arrive with a sense of certainty. Yet for many in their mid to late twenties, the opposite can happen; a growing sense of confusion, pressure, or questioning about who they are and how they want to live. There is often an assumption that becoming an adult happens automatically.

We reach certain ages, complete education, begin careers, form relationships, and outwardly appear independent. Yet internally, many people describe feeling uncertain, disconnected, or unexpectedly overwhelmed during the transition into adulthood. In therapy, it is not unusual to meet clients in their mid to late twenties who describe feeling as though something has shifted. Choices that once felt exciting begin to feel more permanent. Relationships become more significant. Questions around identity, purpose, work, and belonging become more emotionally charged. For many, this period feels less like arriving and more like reorganising.

The Brain Is Still Developing

Although adolescence is often thought of as ending in the teenage years, aspects of emotional and social development continue well into early adulthood. Puberty begins a significant period of biological change that influences emotional experience, reward sensitivity, identity formation, and relationships. Parts of the brain involved in social awareness and emotional processing undergo extensive development during adolescence and continue maturing into the twenties. This developmental stage supports exploration, experimentation, social learning, and a greater willingness to engage with uncertainty and novelty. In many ways, this openness serves an important purpose. Without some capacity for risk-taking and exploration, it might be far more difficult to leave familiar environments, try new experiences, form relationships, and develop independence. However, as development continues into the mid-twenties, many people notice a shift. Experiences that once felt exciting may begin to carry greater awareness of responsibility, consequence, and long-term impact. This transition can feel confusing.

Sometimes people ask:

“Why am I suddenly thinking about everything differently?”

“Why do decisions feel heavier now?”

“Why do things that once felt exciting now feel uncertain?”

This does not necessarily mean something is wrong. It may reflect a gradual integration between emotional drives and a growing capacity for reflection and long-term thinking.

The Behavioural Blueprint We Bring Forward

Biology is only part of the story. By early adulthood, most people are also carrying a behavioural framework developed through childhood experiences. Through our families and early environments, we learn certain expectations about ourselves and the world. We learn how to seek approval, how to manage emotions, whether needs feel acceptable, how conflict is handled and what success means.

Some of these patterns support growth and connection. Others may have been highly adaptive in childhood but begin to feel restrictive in adulthood. A person who learned to prioritise others may struggle to make independent choices. Someone praised for achievement may feel lost without external validation. Someone who learned to avoid conflict may find adult relationships increasingly difficult.

From Adaptation to Choice

Transactional Analysis offers a helpful way of understanding this period. Many of the responses that helped us belong in childhood become part of our internal relational blueprint. These adaptations often develop intelligently and for good reason. However, adulthood asks different questions.

Rather than:

“How do I stay accepted?”

the question gradually becomes:

“Who am I when I begin making choices for myself?”

This shift can feel unsettling. Behaviours that once created safety may no longer support growth. What worked in one stage of life may begin to feel limiting in another.

Why This Stage Can Feel So Uncomfortable

One reason this transition can feel difficult is because adulthood often involves experiencing greater freedom alongside greater responsibility. The external structure of childhood gradually falls away. There is often less certainty, fewer fixed milestones, and more responsibility for creating meaning. This can lead to periods of comparison, self-doubt, or feeling left behind. At times, people may interpret this discomfort as failure. In reality, it may reflect the beginning of a deeper developmental process. The movement from adaptation towards self-authorship rarely feels entirely comfortable.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can provide space to slow down and understand this transition rather than rushing through it. It offers an opportunity to explore both the biological and psychological changes taking place, and to recognise which parts of ourselves still belong to earlier stages of life. Rather than asking whether a person is succeeding at adulthood, therapy often explores:

“Which parts of me am I carrying forward?”

“Which parts no longer fit?”

“What kind of adult do I want to become?”

As awareness develops, many people begin to move away from inherited expectations and towards choices that feel more intentional and aligned.

A Compassionate Perspective

The transition into adulthood is often less about becoming someone new and more about discovering which parts of ourselves still fit and which need revising. Periods of confusion, uncertainty, and questioning are not necessarily signs that something is wrong. They may simply be signs that growth is taking place. With time, reflection, and support, adulthood can become less about arriving at certainty and more about developing a relationship with ourselves that feels increasingly authentic.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.

Breaking Old Communication Patterns: How to Stay Adult in Difficult Conversations

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Many adults find that their most challenging conversations are not with colleagues, friends, or partners, but with their parents. Despite being fully independent adults, they may notice themselves becoming defensive, frustrated, withdrawn, or eager to gain approval. A simple disagreement can suddenly feel emotionally charged in ways that seem disproportionate to the situation. Likewise, parents may find themselves speaking to their adult son or daughter in ways that feel protective, critical, instructive, or controlling, even when their intention is to help. When this happens, both people can become caught in familiar patterns that belong more to the past than the present.

Why Old Roles Are So Powerful

The relationships we have with our parents are often the longest and most influential relationships of our lives. Over many years, families naturally develop roles and patterns of communication. One person may become the responsible one, another the peacemaker, another the rebel, and another the child who seeks approval. These roles often continue operating long after childhood has ended. As a result, two adults may find themselves interacting as though one is still the parent and the other is still the child. This can happen even when both people genuinely want a more mature and respectful relationship.

The Adapted Child and Critical Parent

Transactional Analysis (TA) describes how people can shift between different ego states during communication. When conversations become emotionally charged, many adults find themselves moving into what is sometimes called the Adapted Child position. They may feel criticised, judged, controlled, or compelled to defend themselves. At the same time, the other person may move into a Critical Parent position, offering correction, instruction, criticism, or unsolicited advice. Neither person may consciously choose these roles. They often emerge automatically because they are familiar. The difficulty is that once these positions become activated, genuine communication becomes much harder. The conversation is no longer occurring between two adults in the present moment. Instead, it is being shaped by patterns that were established years earlier.

When We Focus on Changing the Other Person

When relationships become stuck, it is natural to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. We may spend a great deal of energy wishing they would listen differently, speak differently, or finally understand our point of view. While these wishes are understandable, they often leave us feeling powerless because they depend upon someone else’s behaviour changing first.

A more helpful question can be: How do I want to communicate?

This shifts attention away from controlling the other person’s response and towards taking responsibility for our own. We set the tone as an adult. We show up as an adult. Even when we become triggered, we rely on our adult-self rather than reverting to old dynamics; this may mean cutting a visit or conversation short so as to avert descending into unhelpful patterns.

Creating a New Communication Framework

Before entering a difficult conversation, it can be useful to think about how you would ideally like to show up.

You might ask yourself:

  • How do I want to speak?
  • What tone would I like to maintain?
  • What boundaries do I want to hold?
  • What would communicating as an adult look like in this situation?
  • How do I want to respond if I begin feeling triggered?

Having clarity about these questions creates an internal framework that can help guide the interaction. Rather than reacting automatically, there is greater opportunity to respond intentionally.

Staying Adult When Old Feelings Arise

One of the greatest challenges is maintaining an adult perspective when old emotions become activated. A comment from a parent can suddenly evoke feelings of being misunderstood, criticised, or not good enough. Equally, a parent may feel rejected, dismissed, or unappreciated by their adult child. When this happens, it can be helpful to pause and remember:

“I am not a child in this moment.”

“This feeling may be familiar, but I am responding as an adult.”

“I can choose how I communicate, even if I cannot control how the other person responds.”

Remaining grounded does not mean suppressing emotions. Rather, it means allowing feelings to be present without allowing them to dictate the conversation.

The Goal Is Not Perfection

Moving away from long-established family patterns rarely happens in a single conversation. There will be times when old roles reappear. There may be moments when both people fall back into familiar ways of relating. There may be pressure applied from other family members to retreat into the old, familiar role or dynamic.

This is part of the process. The goal is not perfect communication. The goal is becoming more aware of what is happening and making small, consistent choices that support a different way of relating. Even if there is a feeling of fear, hurt or anger, it does not need to play out in familiar patterns. Sometimes stepping back and giving the feeling a safe space to emote can be a powerful practice is processing long-held resentments or guilt. Over time, choices made by the adult-self begin to reshape the relationship. The controlling parent and acquiescent child; the compliant parent and manipulative child and other variants of the adult/child dynamic find a new way to communicate. When one or both persons make a conscious choice to strengthen boundaries and communicate clearly, the relationship benefits.

How Therapy Can Help

Many people understand these patterns intellectually but struggle to change them in practice. Therapy can provide a space to explore the emotional triggers that keep old roles in place and to understand why certain conversations feel so difficult. It can also help people develop greater awareness of their reactions, strengthen emotional regulation, and practise new ways of communicating that feel more authentic and effective. As clients become clearer about how they want to communicate, they often discover a greater sense of confidence and choice. Rather than being pulled into familiar parent-child dynamics, they begin responding from a more grounded adult position.

A Compassionate Perspective

Most difficult communication patterns begin as attempts to maintain connection, safety, or belonging within a family. The roles we learned in childhood often served an important purpose at the time. However, relationships continue to evolve, and the ways we communicate may need to evolve with them. Learning to communicate as an adult is not about winning arguments or changing other people. It is about developing the ability to remain connected to ourselves while staying engaged with others. From this place, conversations become less about repeating the past and more about creating something new in the present.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.

Anxious Attachment: When Relationships Feel Less Safe Than Everything Else

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Many people who experience anxious attachment are surprised by how differently they function in relationships compared to other areas of life. They may feel confident with friends, capable at work, and secure within their family, yet find themselves overwhelmed by doubt, worry, or fear when it comes to a romantic partner.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment describes a pattern in which a person becomes highly sensitive to signs of disconnection, rejection, or emotional distance within close relationships. This sensitivity is not a conscious choice. It is often rooted in earlier experiences where connection felt uncertain, inconsistent, or difficult to rely upon. As adults, these individuals often desire closeness deeply. Relationships matter enormously to them. However, because relationships feel so important, they can also become a source of anxiety. Small changes in communication, tone, availability, or affection may be noticed quickly and interpreted as signs that something is wrong.

One of the most confusing aspects of anxious attachment is that it frequently remains invisible outside intimate relationships. A person may have strong friendships, healthy family connections, and successful professional relationships. They may not generally see themselves as anxious at all. The reason is that romantic relationships often activate our deepest attachment needs. A friend taking a few hours to reply may not feel significant. A partner taking the same amount of time can trigger worry, uncertainty, or a sense of emotional threat. This does not mean the person is irrational. Rather, the relationship has become linked to a part of the nervous system that is highly attuned to connection and loss. In effect, a threat-monitoring system becomes attached to the relationship itself.

How Anxious Attachment Feels From the Inside

For the person experiencing it, anxious attachment can be exhausting. There may be a constant scanning for signs that everything is okay. A delayed message, a change in routine, or a shift in mood can quickly become the focus of attention.

“Have I done something wrong?”

“Are they pulling away?”

“Do they still feel the same?”

Often there is an awareness that these worries may be disproportionate, yet knowing this does not necessarily stop them. The nervous system can react long before logic has a chance to intervene. Many people describe feeling caught between a desire to relax and a powerful urge to seek reassurance.

Healing anxious attachment is not about becoming less caring or less emotionally connected. Rather, it involves learning to recognise when the nervous system has moved into threat-monitoring mode.

Prediction or Evidence Based Response

Many people find it helpful to ask:

Am I basing my response on prediction or evidence?

  • If it’s prediction, does it feel familiar?
  • Is the feeling connected to past experience rather than the current relationship?
  • If evidence, what am I responding to right now?
  • Am I reacting to what is happening in the present, or to a fear of what might happen?

Therapeutic work often involves strengthening the ability to self-soothe, tolerate uncertainty, and remain connected to one’s own experience without immediately seeking reassurance from another person.

For Partners

Living alongside someone with anxious attachment can be both rewarding and challenging. Many partners find themselves caught in a difficult position. They want to provide reassurance, yet they may notice that reassurance only brings temporary relief before the same fears return. They may begin to wonder whether they are saying the wrong thing, doing too little, or somehow failing to meet their partner’s needs. Over time, this can create feelings of frustration, helplessness, or even resentment.

Some partners describe feeling as though they are being continually assessed for signs of withdrawal, disinterest, or rejection. Ordinary behaviours, such as needing time alone, being busy with work, or feeling tired, can sometimes become interpreted as signs that something is wrong within the relationship. This can leave partners feeling misunderstood. They may know they are committed to the relationship, yet feel unable to convince their loved one of this in a lasting way. As a result, some partners begin to withdraw emotionally, not because they care less, but because they feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of constantly managing another person’s anxiety. This is often one of the most painful aspects of anxious attachment. The very behaviours that are intended to create closeness can sometimes create distance.

For partners, it can be helpful to remember that reassurance alone is rarely enough to heal anxious attachment. While consistency, warmth, and emotional availability are important, lasting change usually involves the anxious partner developing greater trust in their own ability to tolerate uncertainty and regulate difficult emotions. Healthy relationships require both compassion and boundaries.

When both people can recognise the pattern as something they are facing together, rather than something that belongs solely to one person, it often becomes easier to move out of blame and towards greater understanding and connection.

How Individual Counselling Can Help

Many people who experience anxious attachment initially come to therapy believing that the problem lies in their relationship. While relationship difficulties may certainly be present, therapy often reveals that the deeper struggle is not simply about the partner, but about the fear, uncertainty, and threat responses that become activated within close relationships. Often, anxious attachment is linked to earlier relational experiences where emotional security felt inconsistent or uncertain. Therapy can help people understand how these experiences may continue to influence present-day relationships, even when circumstances are very different.

As awareness grows, clients often begin to recognise the difference between what is happening in the present moment and what their nervous system has learned to anticipate from the past. Counselling can also help strengthen emotional regulation, develop greater self-trust, and reduce the reliance on reassurance from others as the primary source of security. Rather than constantly scanning a relationship for signs of danger, individuals can gradually learn to find a greater sense of stability within themselves. This does not mean becoming less connected or less caring. Instead, it means developing the ability to remain emotionally present within a relationship without being overwhelmed by fear.

The goal is not to remove the need for connection. It is to develop a stronger sense of safety within oneself, so that relationships become a source of closeness rather than a source of constant vigilance. With awareness, patience, and support, it becomes possible to step out of threat-monitoring mode and into a more secure way of relating, where connection can be enjoyed rather than continually feared.

Final Note

Many of the challenges we experience in relationships begin with the relationship we have with ourselves. Learning to understand our inner world can often be the first step towards creating healthier and more secure connections with others.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.