Tag Archives: psychology

Breaking Old Communication Patterns: How to Stay Adult in Difficult Conversations

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Many adults find that their most challenging conversations are not with colleagues, friends, or partners, but with their parents. Despite being fully independent adults, they may notice themselves becoming defensive, frustrated, withdrawn, or eager to gain approval. A simple disagreement can suddenly feel emotionally charged in ways that seem disproportionate to the situation. Likewise, parents may find themselves speaking to their adult son or daughter in ways that feel protective, critical, instructive, or controlling, even when their intention is to help. When this happens, both people can become caught in familiar patterns that belong more to the past than the present.

Why Old Roles Are So Powerful

The relationships we have with our parents are often the longest and most influential relationships of our lives. Over many years, families naturally develop roles and patterns of communication. One person may become the responsible one, another the peacemaker, another the rebel, and another the child who seeks approval. These roles often continue operating long after childhood has ended. As a result, two adults may find themselves interacting as though one is still the parent and the other is still the child. This can happen even when both people genuinely want a more mature and respectful relationship.

The Adapted Child and Critical Parent

Transactional Analysis (TA) describes how people can shift between different ego states during communication. When conversations become emotionally charged, many adults find themselves moving into what is sometimes called the Adapted Child position. They may feel criticised, judged, controlled, or compelled to defend themselves. At the same time, the other person may move into a Critical Parent position, offering correction, instruction, criticism, or unsolicited advice. Neither person may consciously choose these roles. They often emerge automatically because they are familiar. The difficulty is that once these positions become activated, genuine communication becomes much harder. The conversation is no longer occurring between two adults in the present moment. Instead, it is being shaped by patterns that were established years earlier.

When We Focus on Changing the Other Person

When relationships become stuck, it is natural to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. We may spend a great deal of energy wishing they would listen differently, speak differently, or finally understand our point of view. While these wishes are understandable, they often leave us feeling powerless because they depend upon someone else’s behaviour changing first.

A more helpful question can be: How do I want to communicate?

This shifts attention away from controlling the other person’s response and towards taking responsibility for our own. We set the tone as an adult. We show up as an adult. Even when we become triggered, we rely on our adult-self rather than reverting to old dynamics; this may mean cutting a visit or conversation short so as to avert descending into unhelpful patterns.

Creating a New Communication Framework

Before entering a difficult conversation, it can be useful to think about how you would ideally like to show up.

You might ask yourself:

  • How do I want to speak?
  • What tone would I like to maintain?
  • What boundaries do I want to hold?
  • What would communicating as an adult look like in this situation?
  • How do I want to respond if I begin feeling triggered?

Having clarity about these questions creates an internal framework that can help guide the interaction. Rather than reacting automatically, there is greater opportunity to respond intentionally.

Staying Adult When Old Feelings Arise

One of the greatest challenges is maintaining an adult perspective when old emotions become activated. A comment from a parent can suddenly evoke feelings of being misunderstood, criticised, or not good enough. Equally, a parent may feel rejected, dismissed, or unappreciated by their adult child. When this happens, it can be helpful to pause and remember:

“I am not a child in this moment.”

“This feeling may be familiar, but I am responding as an adult.”

“I can choose how I communicate, even if I cannot control how the other person responds.”

Remaining grounded does not mean suppressing emotions. Rather, it means allowing feelings to be present without allowing them to dictate the conversation.

The Goal Is Not Perfection

Moving away from long-established family patterns rarely happens in a single conversation. There will be times when old roles reappear. There may be moments when both people fall back into familiar ways of relating. There may be pressure applied from other family members to retreat into the old, familiar role or dynamic.

This is part of the process. The goal is not perfect communication. The goal is becoming more aware of what is happening and making small, consistent choices that support a different way of relating. Even if there is a feeling of fear, hurt or anger, it does not need to play out in familiar patterns. Sometimes stepping back and giving the feeling a safe space to emote can be a powerful practice is processing long-held resentments or guilt. Over time, choices made by the adult-self begin to reshape the relationship. The controlling parent and acquiescent child; the compliant parent and manipulative child and other variants of the adult/child dynamic find a new way to communicate. When one or both persons make a conscious choice to strengthen boundaries and communicate clearly, the relationship benefits.

How Therapy Can Help

Many people understand these patterns intellectually but struggle to change them in practice. Therapy can provide a space to explore the emotional triggers that keep old roles in place and to understand why certain conversations feel so difficult. It can also help people develop greater awareness of their reactions, strengthen emotional regulation, and practise new ways of communicating that feel more authentic and effective. As clients become clearer about how they want to communicate, they often discover a greater sense of confidence and choice. Rather than being pulled into familiar parent-child dynamics, they begin responding from a more grounded adult position.

A Compassionate Perspective

Most difficult communication patterns begin as attempts to maintain connection, safety, or belonging within a family. The roles we learned in childhood often served an important purpose at the time. However, relationships continue to evolve, and the ways we communicate may need to evolve with them. Learning to communicate as an adult is not about winning arguments or changing other people. It is about developing the ability to remain connected to ourselves while staying engaged with others. From this place, conversations become less about repeating the past and more about creating something new in the present.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.

Recognising Behaviour Patterns

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Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. We have already discussed avoidance as a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health.

Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.

Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society.

To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?

It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.

Trigger and Response.

With guidance and practice, we can learn to recognise triggers that cause a heightened emotional response to an event, person or image. We must identify these triggers in the moment, pause, then using something as simple as three deep breaths to break the automatic link between the emotional stressor and our automatic behavioural response, or reaction.

By taking responsibility for how we manage our emotions, we free ourselves from being ruled by automatic, often impulsive, behaviours that can escalate situations into conflict. Instead, we gain the freedom to choose how we respond, ensuring that our actions align with our values rather than our immediate emotional state.

When emotions are suppressed rather than addressed, they tend to resurface later, often with more intensity, triggered by similar situations from the past. Taking responsibility means acknowledging these emotions and addressing them head-on, rather than letting them fester. Once the emotional intensity cools, reflecting on the situation and the emotions it evoked such as fear, anger, guilt, or something else, gives us the power to understand our patterns and anticipate future reactions.

True Potential.

Taking responsibility is an important step towards realising our true potential. We must hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, words and actions that negatively impact on our lives and others. Every harsh word from the inner critic of our mind, toward ourselves, shrinks the fulfilment of potential. When our minds are restless and our hearts are troubled, we lose connection with our inner guidance and struggle to know which way to go. When our minds are calm, our hearts open, and we gain clarity.

Through quiet reflection and conscious breathing, we can gain access to inner directive and our truest nature. True self is deeper than flesh, it is a wholesome nourishment in the seed of the individual, propagated by responsibility and freedom. The courage to change helps us to break through the tough shell of mental inertia to realise the fruit of our true design. Healing work is tending to the seed, encouraging it to germinate and casting off the husk of conditioned behaviour and unconscious beliefs. The seed of potential must be nourished by daily mindfulness to expand awareness.

We all have blind spots when it comes to our behaviour, sometimes it takes someone else to challenge us on our difficult or challenging behaviours. When confronted with these blind spots, we often become defensive or deny them, confusing our behaviour with our sense of identity.

An extract from my book A COMPASS FOR CHANGE

For online counselling contact me at : info@colletteomahony.com

or visit my counselling page colletteomahony.com/counselling

Resolving Conflict in Relationships

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Recognising areas of conflict

To diffuse misunderstandings in a relationship, we must focus on the feelings that contribute to the situation by processing our emotions. We can then use analytical thinking grounded in facts rather than emotional thinking based on fear. This helps us to better understand our differences and look for a resolution. Conversely, if we exit relationships rather than work through conflicts, we risk accumulating a pattern of broken connections. While we might make excuses for relationship breakdowns or blame others for being unreasonable, we are ultimately at the centre of all our relationships. It is essential to recognise that conflict arises from our avoidance of processing emotions.

We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.

When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.

We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience. 

An extract from – A Compass for Change.

Click on the image to go to my Amazon Bookshelf.

Collette.

Overcoming Blind Spots in Our Behavior

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We all have blind spots for our behaviour; sometimes it takes someone else to challenge us on our difficult or challenging behaviours. When confronted with these blind spots, we often become defensive or deny them, confusing our behaviour with our sense of identity. We may be within our rights to confront someone about their behaviour, but how we respond makes a difference in whether the situation is diffused or escalates.

If we can respond calmly, we might even get an apology. But if we react with anger, the other person is likely to deny their behaviour. To resolve our anger, we need to identify its source and address it directly with the person involved so they understand the effect their behaviour is having on us. If we stay silent, our bottled-up frustration will probably come out as misplaced anger later.

Accountability is paramount when facing the more challenging parts of our behaviour, feelings and beliefs. While we tend to evaluate others based on their behaviour, we primarily perceive ourselves through the lens of our good intentions rather than the quality of our behaviour. This form of myopia can obscure our awareness, causing us to act out in ways that misrepresent us, and offend others. This is our shadow self or blind-side, the obscured place where opinions, beliefs and prejudices go unnoticed and unchallenged. Developing awareness of our prejudices and assumptions, when processing new information, takes mindfulness and determination. If our behaviour is causing someone distress, it’s important to identify what that behaviour is and adjust our responses accordingly. We need to take responsibility for such maladaptive behaviours by interrupting the automatic cycle that connects emotional triggers to our behaviour and actions. We achieve this through mindfulness. Regular mindfulness practice and a commitment to discovering our true potential can transform our thinking, as well as our words and actions.

When our feelings are clear and unclouded, it leads to more focused thinking. Inspired thoughts that arise from our inner directive lead to inspired action. By taking ownership of our thoughts and actions, we convey a powerful message that we are progressing toward responsibility and unlocking our true potential.

Extract from A Compass for Change – available now on Amazon.

Understanding Maladaptive Behaviors

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Maladaptive Behaviour.

Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. For instance, avoidance is a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health. Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as guilt, shame or fear. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a more serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.

Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society. This maladaptive behaviour in its extreme can result in sycophantic behaviour where acquiescence buys affection, and truth is traded for flattery.

Libido and Mortido by George Mayer.

To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?

It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.

In our daily life, we encounter triggers that threaten to unlock feelings we have long tried to conceal. Projection, denial and passive aggressiveness are all maladaptive behaviours used to deflect attention from deep rooted psychological pain and vulnerability. While defensive behaviour learned in childhood may have offered us some protection or temporary relief at the time, it often becomes counterproductive in adulthood. Defensive mechanisms we learn in childhood can hinder our ability to form healthy relationships as adults, to address problems constructively, and develop emotional resilience.

It takes intention and self-awareness to follow a behaviour back to its origin. It also requires determination. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts.

Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation, just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour. When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice as to how we act, or react, to the emotional stressor.

From my upcoming book ‘A Compass for Change’ ( A roadmap of self-discovery and transformation). Available soon on Amazon Books.

Collette O’Mahony.

November 2024.