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When Life Feels Like Too Much: The Pressures of Young Adulthood

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There has been growing discussion in the UK about the mental health of younger people and the pressures they are experiencing. A recent BBC report exploring these questions has brought some of this debate into the wider public conversation. Some of this discussion has been framed around the idea of a “snowflake generation”; a suggestion that younger people may be less resilient than previous generations. But perhaps there is another question worth asking: What if the issue is not simply that young people are less able to cope, but that they are trying to cope with more?

An independent review into mental health, ADHD and autism, chaired by Professor Peter Fonagy, has found evidence that psychological distress has increased particularly among younger people. The review identifies increases in emotional symptoms, loneliness, sleep difficulties, loss of confidence and difficulties concentrating. Importantly, it also emphasises that the reasons for these changes are complex and cannot be explained by one factor alone. This is something I increasingly recognise in my work with younger clients. They may be studying, starting work, building careers, developing relationships and trying to establish an independent life. From the outside, they may appear to be managing. Yet underneath, there can be a persistent sense of pressure; a feeling that they should be further ahead, coping better or somehow more certain about who they are and where they are going. Sometimes life simply feels like too much.

The pressure of becoming an adult

Young adulthood has always involved uncertainty. There has always been the transition from education into work, the development of relationships, financial independence and the gradual discovery of who we are. But these processes are taking place within a very different social environment. University students and graduates may be thinking about their future while facing uncertainty about employment and finances. Those entering the workplace may feel pressure to establish themselves quickly. Social media can provide connection while simultaneously exposing us to other people’s achievements, relationships and lifestyles. News and information are available continuously. There can be very little sense of being completely tuned out. The result can be a strange contradiction. There are more possibilities than ever, yet choosing between them can feel overwhelming. There is more information, yet knowing what to trust can feel difficult. We are constantly connected, yet many young people report feeling lonely. And there can be an increasing expectation to know what we want from life at precisely the age when we are still discovering it.

When external expectations become internal pressure

Perhaps one of the most significant psychological effects of living within this environment is what happens when external expectations become internal ones. A young person may hear messages about success, independence, productivity and achievement from many different directions. Over time, these messages can become an internal voice: I should be doing more. I should have a better job by now. I should know what I want. Everyone else seems to be managing. I should be happier. I shouldn’t find this so difficult.

What began as an expectation from outside can gradually become something we expect from ourselves. This can be particularly difficult when self-worth becomes connected to performance. Not getting the job becomes I am not good enough. Struggling at university becomes I am failing.

Needing time away from work becomes I am lazy. Not knowing what career to pursue becomes I am falling behind. The difficulty is no longer simply the situation itself. It becomes what the situation appears to say about us.

The comparison we cannot switch off

Social media is often identified as one of the pressures affecting younger people, and it is important not to oversimplify this. Social media can provide friendship, community, creativity and support. But it can also create an environment in which we are continually exposed to other people’s lives. We see the promotion, not the uncertainty before it. The relationship, not necessarily the difficulties within it. The achievement, not the years of effort behind it. The finished product, not the unfinished process.

Comparison can therefore become psychologically complicated. We may compare our everyday reality with somebody else’s carefully selected moments. And when we are already uncertain about ourselves, another person’s apparent success can become evidence of our own inadequacy.

When coping becomes another expectation

There is another pressure that is perhaps less obvious. We are increasingly encouraged to be resilient, practise self-care, regulate our emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. These are valuable things. But what happens when coping itself becomes another measure of whether we are doing well?

A person may already be exhausted by work, study, financial worries or relationship difficulties. They may then become anxious because they are not coping with those difficulties in the “right” way. They are not simply struggling. They feel that they are failing at struggling well. This can create another layer of self-criticism. Why can’t I manage this? What is wrong with me?

In therapy, this distinction can be important. The question is not simply, “How can I cope better?” Sometimes it is also: “What have I actually been trying to cope with?”

Loss of psychological space

One of the things we can lose when life becomes demanding is psychological space. There is a difference between being physically alone and having enough internal space to notice what we think and feel. If the day moves from university or work to messages, social media, responsibilities, social expectations and the pressure to make decisions about the future, there may be very little opportunity simply to stop. Without that space, it can become difficult to distinguish between our own wishes and the expectations we have absorbed from other people.

We may know what we should want. But do we know what we actually want? We may know what would look successful. But does it feel meaningful to us?

We may be pursuing a particular future because it is what we have learned to associate with being successful, secure or valued. And sometimes therapy provides the first real opportunity to step back from all of that and ask: What is mine?

Resilience is not equal to suffering in silence

There is an understandable desire to encourage young people to become resilient. But resilience should not mean becoming endlessly capable of carrying pressure without being affected by it. Sometimes resilience involves recognising that something is not working. Sometimes it means asking for help. Sometimes it means setting a boundary. Sometimes it means accepting that we do not yet know what comes next. And sometimes it means questioning an expectation rather than automatically trying harder to meet it. This is not about removing personal responsibility. In fact, greater self-awareness can increase our sense of responsibility because it allows us to make more conscious choices. The important distinction is between choosing our direction and simply responding to everything that is being asked of us.

Which expectations genuinely belong to me?

Growing into adulthood is not a test that we are supposed to pass by a particular age. It is a process of becoming. There will be uncertainty, mistakes, changes of direction and periods when we feel that we are not where we thought we would be. That does not necessarily mean we are failing. Psychotherapy can offer a space to explore the difference between the expectations we have inherited and the values we genuinely hold; between the voice of the inner critic and our own perspective; between what we think we should be and who we are actually becoming. Perhaps the most useful question is therefore not: Why can’t I cope with everything? But: Which of these expectations genuinely belong to me?

Because sometimes life feels like too much not because there is something wrong with us, but because we have become so accustomed to carrying expectations that we have stopped asking whether they were ever ours to carry.

If life is feeling like too much

If you recognise something of yourself in this article, you do not have to wait until things become overwhelming before seeking support. Talking with a therapist can provide a quiet, confidential space to step back from the pressures around you, understand what is happening beneath them, and begin to work out what genuinely matters to you. Therapy is not about telling you what choices to make. It can offer a space to become clearer about your own thoughts, feelings, needs and values, so that you can begin to make those choices for yourself.

Collette O Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

Why Adulthood Doesn’t Always Feel Like You Thought It Would

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Many people expect adulthood to arrive with a sense of certainty. Yet for many in their mid to late twenties, the opposite can happen; a growing sense of confusion, pressure, or questioning about who they are and how they want to live. There is often an assumption that becoming an adult happens automatically.

We reach certain ages, complete education, begin careers, form relationships, and outwardly appear independent. Yet internally, many people describe feeling uncertain, disconnected, or unexpectedly overwhelmed during the transition into adulthood. In therapy, it is not unusual to meet clients in their mid to late twenties who describe feeling as though something has shifted. Choices that once felt exciting begin to feel more permanent. Relationships become more significant. Questions around identity, purpose, work, and belonging become more emotionally charged. For many, this period feels less like arriving and more like reorganising.

The Brain Is Still Developing

Although adolescence is often thought of as ending in the teenage years, aspects of emotional and social development continue well into early adulthood. Puberty begins a significant period of biological change that influences emotional experience, reward sensitivity, identity formation, and relationships. Parts of the brain involved in social awareness and emotional processing undergo extensive development during adolescence and continue maturing into the twenties. This developmental stage supports exploration, experimentation, social learning, and a greater willingness to engage with uncertainty and novelty. In many ways, this openness serves an important purpose. Without some capacity for risk-taking and exploration, it might be far more difficult to leave familiar environments, try new experiences, form relationships, and develop independence. However, as development continues into the mid-twenties, many people notice a shift. Experiences that once felt exciting may begin to carry greater awareness of responsibility, consequence, and long-term impact. This transition can feel confusing.

Sometimes people ask:

“Why am I suddenly thinking about everything differently?”

“Why do decisions feel heavier now?”

“Why do things that once felt exciting now feel uncertain?”

This does not necessarily mean something is wrong. It may reflect a gradual integration between emotional drives and a growing capacity for reflection and long-term thinking.

The Behavioural Blueprint We Bring Forward

Biology is only part of the story. By early adulthood, most people are also carrying a behavioural framework developed through childhood experiences. Through our families and early environments, we learn certain expectations about ourselves and the world. We learn how to seek approval, how to manage emotions, whether needs feel acceptable, how conflict is handled and what success means.

Some of these patterns support growth and connection. Others may have been highly adaptive in childhood but begin to feel restrictive in adulthood. A person who learned to prioritise others may struggle to make independent choices. Someone praised for achievement may feel lost without external validation. Someone who learned to avoid conflict may find adult relationships increasingly difficult.

From Adaptation to Choice

Transactional Analysis offers a helpful way of understanding this period. Many of the responses that helped us belong in childhood become part of our internal relational blueprint. These adaptations often develop intelligently and for good reason. However, adulthood asks different questions.

Rather than:

“How do I stay accepted?”

the question gradually becomes:

“Who am I when I begin making choices for myself?”

This shift can feel unsettling. Behaviours that once created safety may no longer support growth. What worked in one stage of life may begin to feel limiting in another.

Why This Stage Can Feel So Uncomfortable

One reason this transition can feel difficult is because adulthood often involves experiencing greater freedom alongside greater responsibility. The external structure of childhood gradually falls away. There is often less certainty, fewer fixed milestones, and more responsibility for creating meaning. This can lead to periods of comparison, self-doubt, or feeling left behind. At times, people may interpret this discomfort as failure. In reality, it may reflect the beginning of a deeper developmental process. The movement from adaptation towards self-authorship rarely feels entirely comfortable.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can provide space to slow down and understand this transition rather than rushing through it. It offers an opportunity to explore both the biological and psychological changes taking place, and to recognise which parts of ourselves still belong to earlier stages of life. Rather than asking whether a person is succeeding at adulthood, therapy often explores:

“Which parts of me am I carrying forward?”

“Which parts no longer fit?”

“What kind of adult do I want to become?”

As awareness develops, many people begin to move away from inherited expectations and towards choices that feel more intentional and aligned.

A Compassionate Perspective

The transition into adulthood is often less about becoming someone new and more about discovering which parts of ourselves still fit and which need revising. Periods of confusion, uncertainty, and questioning are not necessarily signs that something is wrong. They may simply be signs that growth is taking place. With time, reflection, and support, adulthood can become less about arriving at certainty and more about developing a relationship with ourselves that feels increasingly authentic.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.

The Role of Childhood in Forming Adult Identities

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Many adults who begin therapy describe a subtle but persistent feeling that they have spent much of their lives being the person others needed them to be, rather than the person they naturally are. On the outside they may appear capable, responsible and well adjusted, yet internally there can be a sense of disconnection from their own feelings, preferences or needs. In psychology this experience is sometimes described as living from a false self.

Despite how the phrase may sound, a false self is not about dishonesty or pretending. It is usually a protective adaptation that develops during childhood in response to the emotional environment around us. When we understand how this process unfolds, it becomes easier to see why so many thoughtful, capable adults still struggle with authenticity later in life.

The idea of the false self was introduced by the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who observed that a child’s sense of identity develops through being seen, understood and responded to by caregivers. When a child’s feelings and spontaneous expressions are welcomed, they gradually develop what Winnicott called a true self; a sense of being real, emotionally alive and able to express themselves naturally in the world.

However, not all environments allow this process to unfold easily. Children are highly sensitive to the emotional climate around them. If certain feelings lead to tension, criticism, withdrawal or unpredictability, the child often learns, without consciously realising it, to adjust their behaviour in order to maintain connection and safety. They may become especially responsible, quiet their own needs, avoid conflict or focus on keeping others comfortable. These adjustments can work remarkably well in childhood, helping the child navigate difficult emotional situations. Over time, however, these adaptive patterns can become so familiar that they begin to replace the person’s natural responses.

In adult life this can lead to a feeling of performing rather than simply being. Some people notice that they automatically prioritise other people’s needs, struggle to identify what they themselves want, or feel uneasy expressing disagreement or vulnerability. Others describe a sense of exhaustion from constantly adapting to expectations. Interestingly, these patterns can become especially noticeable in environments that resemble earlier family dynamics. Returning to the family home, interacting with certain relatives or entering hierarchical situations can sometimes trigger a quick return to old ways of responding. When this happens, it does not mean that personal growth has been lost; it simply means that the mind recognises a familiar emotional landscape and briefly reactivates an old strategy for maintaining safety.

Seen in this light, the false self is not a flaw but a sign of the mind’s remarkable adaptability. At the time it developed, it was often the best available way to preserve connection, stability or emotional protection. For this reason, the aim of therapy is not to eliminate this part of the self but to understand it and gradually reduce the need to rely on it in every situation.

Reconnecting with a more authentic sense of self tends to be a gradual and compassionate process rather than a dramatic transformation. It often begins with simply noticing the moments when we automatically adapt or override our own feelings. From there, many people begin to rediscover their internal experience, such as preferences, emotions and bodily responses, which may have been set aside for many years. As these signals become clearer, it becomes possible to experiment with expressing them in small, safe ways within supportive relationships.

Over time, these experiences help the nervous system learn something important: that authenticity does not necessarily threaten connection. In fact, when it is expressed thoughtfully and safely, authenticity often deepens relationships rather than weakening them.

In this sense, reconnecting with the authentic self is rarely about becoming someone new. More often it involves rediscovering aspects of ourselves that were always present but had to remain quiet for a time. With patience, understanding and the right support, people can learn that it is possible to remain connected to others while also remaining connected to themselves.

Collette O’Mahony 07 March 2026

If anything in this article resonates and you wish to explore more: Contact me at info@colletteomahony.com – with your name, age, issue and goals for therapy. I offer a free introduction session of 15 minutes to assess if you want to proceed. One hour online sessions are £45. Psychotherapy

Resolving Conflict in Relationships

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Recognising areas of conflict

To diffuse misunderstandings in a relationship, we must focus on the feelings that contribute to the situation by processing our emotions. We can then use analytical thinking grounded in facts rather than emotional thinking based on fear. This helps us to better understand our differences and look for a resolution. Conversely, if we exit relationships rather than work through conflicts, we risk accumulating a pattern of broken connections. While we might make excuses for relationship breakdowns or blame others for being unreasonable, we are ultimately at the centre of all our relationships. It is essential to recognise that conflict arises from our avoidance of processing emotions.

We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.

When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.

We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience. 

An extract from – A Compass for Change.

Click on the image to go to my Amazon Bookshelf.

Collette.

Understanding Maladaptive Behaviors

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Maladaptive Behaviour.

Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. For instance, avoidance is a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health. Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as guilt, shame or fear. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a more serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.

Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society. This maladaptive behaviour in its extreme can result in sycophantic behaviour where acquiescence buys affection, and truth is traded for flattery.

Libido and Mortido by George Mayer.

To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?

It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.

In our daily life, we encounter triggers that threaten to unlock feelings we have long tried to conceal. Projection, denial and passive aggressiveness are all maladaptive behaviours used to deflect attention from deep rooted psychological pain and vulnerability. While defensive behaviour learned in childhood may have offered us some protection or temporary relief at the time, it often becomes counterproductive in adulthood. Defensive mechanisms we learn in childhood can hinder our ability to form healthy relationships as adults, to address problems constructively, and develop emotional resilience.

It takes intention and self-awareness to follow a behaviour back to its origin. It also requires determination. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts.

Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation, just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour. When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice as to how we act, or react, to the emotional stressor.

From my upcoming book ‘A Compass for Change’ ( A roadmap of self-discovery and transformation). Available soon on Amazon Books.

Collette O’Mahony.

November 2024.