A key to achieving emotional balance is in understanding the sources of our energy. Is it renewable energy, grounded in mindfulness, self-awareness, and intrinsic motivation? Or are we relying on a secondary energy source, which is often external and unsustainable, such as seeking validation, praise, or status?
Renewable energy is internal, arising from practices that foster emotional and mental well-being. This kind of energy comes from a place of mindfulness, self-awareness, and an authentic connection to oneself. When we draw from this energy, we are more likely to experience emotional resilience because we are not dependent on outside circumstances or external validation. We are grounded in our inner self-worth, capable of staying calm in the face of adversity, and able to make thoughtful decisions rather than reacting impulsively to fear or stress. Renewable energy is self-sustaining. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, journaling, or spending time in nature, help cultivate this energy. It is also nurtured by an ongoing practice of self-compassion, where we approach challenges with curiosity and patience rather than self-judgment.
This energy allows us to face both optimism and pessimism without getting lost in extremes, because it fosters emotional flexibility—the ability to respond appropriately to whatever arises.
Secondary energy sources are externally driven, often coming from a need for praise, validation, status, or attention. These sources of energy are less stable and can be fleeting, which makes them unreliable when facing emotional challenges. If our emotional well-being is tied to how others perceive us, we become vulnerable to external fluctuations. For example, if we rely on praise to feel good about ourselves, it can lead to a pattern of people pleasing and co-dependency. On the other hand, when we don’t receive the validation we seek, it can trigger pessimism and feelings of worthlessness. Relying on external energy sources creates a cycle where our emotional state is dictated by circumstances beyond our control. This can leave us feeling emotionally depleted, causing us to oscillate between extremes of behaviour, from excessive optimism when things go well to deep pessimism when they don’t.
Just as we learn unhelpful habits, such as relying on external sources of energy, we can also unlearn them. Firstly, we need to recognise patterns of behaviour. Behavioural Therapies such as CBT helps us chart our maladaptive behaviour patterns and to recognise triggers that lead to these spirals.
For online one-to-one therapy sessions please get in touch with me at: info@colletteomahony.com.
Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. We have already discussed avoidance as a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health.
Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.
Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society.
To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?
It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.
Trigger and Response.
With guidance and practice, we can learn to recognise triggers that cause a heightened emotional response to an event, person or image. We must identify these triggers in the moment, pause, then using something as simple as three deep breaths to break the automatic link between the emotional stressor and our automatic behavioural response, or reaction.
By taking responsibility for how we manage our emotions, we free ourselves from being ruled by automatic, often impulsive, behaviours that can escalate situations into conflict. Instead, we gain the freedom to choose how we respond, ensuring that our actions align with our values rather than our immediate emotional state.
When emotions are suppressed rather than addressed, they tend to resurface later, often with more intensity, triggered by similar situations from the past. Taking responsibility means acknowledging these emotions and addressing them head-on, rather than letting them fester. Once the emotional intensity cools, reflecting on the situation and the emotions it evoked such as fear, anger, guilt, or something else, gives us the power to understand our patterns and anticipate future reactions.
True Potential.
Taking responsibility is an important step towards realising our true potential. We must hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, words and actions that negatively impact on our lives and others. Every harsh word from the inner critic of our mind, toward ourselves, shrinks the fulfilment of potential. When our minds are restless and our hearts are troubled, we lose connection with our inner guidance and struggle to know which way to go. When our minds are calm, our hearts open, and we gain clarity.
Through quiet reflection and conscious breathing, we can gain access to inner directive and our truest nature. True self is deeper than flesh, it is a wholesome nourishment in the seed of the individual, propagated by responsibility and freedom. The courage to change helps us to break through the tough shell of mental inertia to realise the fruit of our true design. Healing work is tending to the seed, encouraging it to germinate and casting off the husk of conditioned behaviour and unconscious beliefs. The seed of potential must be nourished by daily mindfulness to expand awareness.
We all have blind spots when it comes to our behaviour, sometimes it takes someone else to challenge us on our difficult or challenging behaviours. When confronted with these blind spots, we often become defensive or deny them, confusing our behaviour with our sense of identity.
Self-care is our way of prioritising mental, physical and emotional wellness. It can help manage symptoms of stress and anxiety, contributing to our overall well-being. Self-care is the act of caring for ourselves and making a conscious effort to do things we enjoy and that we will benefit from. It’s about being aware of our health, identifying our needs, and taking steps to meet them.
It may sound simple, given that we shower, dress and eat our meals on a daily basis. But self-care is more than taking care of our basic needs in a hurried or frenzied manner while we rush to the next task. We have to listen to our body to truly understand its needs. Keeping busy and socialising may work for some people, but others may benefit from some alone time. Prioritising our mental and emotional health is a priority, all well-being proceeds from here. As the flight attendant tells us in the airline’s ‘case of emergency’ talk before take-off, be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first before seeing to others. This applies to energy also; tap into your own energy source daily to recharge your system. Otherwise, you run the risk of absorbing energy from those around you.
The exchange of energy between people is a secondary supply at best, and is on a lower vibration than source energy. When we interact with people in a passive-aggressive, defensive or a fearful way, we are opening our energy field to negative influences. We run the risk of vibrating at a lower frequency and begin to feel tired, stressed and anxious. To combat this low frequency energy exchange, we must tap into our own source of energy on a daily basis. By practicing mindfulness, we can tap into the energy source at the core of our being. This not only has a calming and uplifting effect but it also helps to set strong boundaries, this will ensure we don’t absorb other people’s negative energy and they are unable to take our source energy through their behaviour and role play.
Keep a self-care journal. Note at least 3 things you did to contribute to your own well-being; such as a walk in nature, a relaxing bath, and 30 minutes of mindfulness. Find things to be grateful for, write them down. Sometimes, when we are at a low-ebb it is difficult to find things to be grateful for, but if you can open your eyes in the morning, walk the dog, see beauty in your surroundings then there are things to be grateful for. Gratitude ignites well-being, with this constant attitude you can transform your life.
I have listed below some essential actions toward well-being and self-care. You may add other things that benefit you such as reading, listening to music, stroking your pet or just sitting quietly with a cup of coffee.
1.Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment, and accepting it without judgment. Mindfulness has been scientifically proven to be a key element in stress reduction and overall happiness. Take at least 10 -15 minutes morning and evening to sit quietly. Make sure your phone is turned off or out of reach. Begin by taking 3 deep breaths, slowly breathing in and slowly releasing. Continue to focus on the breath until you become aware of the breathing process as a natural phenomenon. Your mind will run mental checklists and try to push you into the past or drag you into the future. Rather than resisting, or acting on thoughts, allow them to be there, almost like an overcast sky. Return your focus to the breath by inhaling and exhaling deeply a number of times. Eventually, thoughts will drift off if as you continue your commitment to the present moment.
2.Downtime.
Relaxation can give you some much-needed quiet time. It’s often the only time you can hear your own thoughts and reflect on your feelings. You may know what helps you to relax, like sitting down with a cup of tea and your favourite book, going for a dog walk, or having a long, warm bath. It’s important to schedule some downtime, making time to fully switch is beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing.
3.Set boundaries
It is important to know it’s not selfish to say no to someone, in fact sometimes it is necessary. Learning to say no without guilt can be empowering. Setting boundaries like this can give you the time and energy you need to rest, recharge and replenish your energy so you can also care for loved ones and family. Saying no isn’t always easy, you may worry you are letting someone down. But an important part of self-care is knowing when to step back and when to reach out for help. Counselling can help you work through these difficulties, teaching you how to set healthy boundaries and know when your mind and body need a break.
4.Physical Health.
Your physical health is as important as mental health, and the work hand-in-hand. Incorporating self-care into your lifestyle requires you to look into food nourishment, physical activity and sleeping habits. When we’re swamped with work and family duties, your physical health can often be the first to dwindle. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. If you’re going through a difficult time, sleep gives your body the chance to rest and your mind the time to process your day. What and when you eat can also affect how you feel and how you sleep.
5. Talking about your situation.
If you’re finding it hard to cope, talking to others can offer a sense of relief. Sometimes, we can be surrounded by people but we may feel very alone. There are people who care about you and support is available. Perhaps ask a friend to join you on a walk and ask if they could just listen to you talk rather than offering solutions. Part of self-care is not allowing yourself to go through the journey alone, there are several charitable foundations that offer group and one-to-one support. Self-care is about you and your health and there are times in life that we all need support. Never, underestimate the power of talking and listening, knowing that we matter is essential to our wellbeing.
While self-care is about caring for yourself, seeking and accepting help when it’s needed is a big part of self-management. If you’re stressed, feeling low or having difficulty coping day to day, going through it alone makes the journey all the more difficult. Counselling can help you understand how vital it is to take care of yourself. A counsellor can help you learn how to cope with your emotional stressors and behavioural issues leading to a greater understanding of yourself and those around you. Putting yourself first, contrary to social beliefs, is the single most important step you will ever take towards self-care and continued well-being.
Collette O’Mahony.
March 2024.
If you want to get in touch about online counselling (zoom) you can contact me at info@colletteomahony.com.
When we accept responsibility for our thoughts and actions, we set off a chain reaction. We are declaring to the universal mind that we are willing to accept our faults and rejoice in our triumphs. If something goes awry we look to ourselves for the problem rather than blaming others, therefore we give out the message that if we own the problem, we also own the solution. If we hold someone else responsible for a problem, we then depend on them for a solution. The former is energy giving, the latter energy draining. By taking responsibility for a problem we are open to finding solutions that will bring peace of mind, by blaming others we are igniting worry and doubt because energetically we are saying that we have no control over the situation. The road to responsibility may be a long one for those who never learned it as a child or young adult. This is not responsibility for younger siblings, chores or homework; it is self-responsibility, knowing right from wrong and owning our faults as well as accepting compliments in equal measure. Extreme behaviour comes from a lack of measured response to a situation, it is viewing a thing from emotional reaction rather than rational thought. Learning to channel our emotions in an appropriate way avoids their escape in a heightened situation which may lead to quarrel and dispute. This can lead to a disproportionate response to something that is triggered by suppressed emotions.
By using our inner-directive, we have a compass to guide us through change. When the mind slows down, the heart opens and everything becomes clear. Disturbance in our minds and turbulence in our heart obscures our inner-directive and we cannot tell in what direction we must proceed. Our true self is the unhindered, unblemished potential that came into the world. True self is deeper than flesh, it is a wholesome nourishment in the seed of the individual, propagated by truth and nature. A soul on fire, brave and true, breaks through the tough shell of mental inertia to become the exact fruit of its original design. We do not go in search of our true self, it is already with us, healing work is tending to the seed, encouraging it to germinate and cast off the husk of conditioning and unconscious beliefs. Taking responsibility is an important step towards realising our true potential. We must hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, words and actions, which negatively impact on others, and on ourselves. Every damning word of our inner-critic, toward ourselves or others, shrinks the fulfilment of potential. The seed of potential must be nourished by daily mindfulness to expand awareness.
There is a parallel rate of infection happening as we move through the global pandemic caused by coronavirus. Moving along one line is the infection rate arising from the virus and also alarmingly, is a shadow line indicating the mental infection in the population from fear and anxiety. The fallout is enormous.
Being denied basic rights such as freedom of movement and a job to earn a living causes a restless and potentially eruptive energy in the general population. Lock downs around the world are in place because there is no known way to immunise or treat covid-19. However, there have been several warnings, since the SARS virus in 2002, of a serious threat to the global community should another coronavirus make the leap from animals to humans.
According to the World Health Organisation, one person dies every 40 seconds from suicide. Several governments across the world say they are committed to improving mental health and reducing the number of deaths from suicide. Yet, these are the countries who ignored the World Health Organisation’s warning about another coronavirus pandemic, failing to put in place a contingency plan. When the prediction finally materialised as covid-19, their only response, given the lack of planning, was to enforce national lock downs. While this is proving to slow the rate of viral infection, it adds to the anxiety and stress of the population, particularly the most vulnerable. Even the mentally robust individual is wilting under the hot house of social distancing and being shut off from their loved ones living in other households.
The tide of coronavirus came like a massive tsunami across the world making it too late to run for cover. The measures being taken to stop the spread of the virus are having severe impacts on the most vulnerable sections of society, the elderly and those with mental health issues. So while we receive death tolls as graphs on a page, each life that adds to that line is someone’s wife, father, mother, son.
The invisible line that shadows the death from covid-19 is the rate of deaths from suicide. The child who can’t take another moment of being cooped up with his abusive parent, the young girl who is continually sexually abused by the man who is meant to protect her. The husband who slips further into despair as his wife hurls verbal abuse at his inadequacies, or the woman who uses make-up to hide her black eye from her children.
There are many questions to be asked about the inadequate preparation for a global pandemic, but more importantly we have a question to ask ourselves, individually and nationally; Can we continue to ignore our mental health and well being? We must invest, not just money, but time and effort into mindfulness, inner peace and meditation. Spend a few moments on conscious breathing. The more we watch our breathing, the deeper it becomes. Feel gratitude for this simple process that keeps us alive. Our immune system depends on it. Our well being depends upon it. We never know how much we depend on something until it is taken away, in some cases we find new ways to adapt. But that is not the case with breathing. There is no substitute for it, if we stop breathing we die.
Collette OMahony (Author's blog) 