History is generally written by the victor; seldom do we hear the true voice of the oppressed. And so, it is within each of us, we celebrate our best achievements and we consign our fears and failures to the annals of our emotional wasteland. We are all the authors of our own inner histories, changing the narrative to craft a curated self-image for the outer world until at some point we too come to believe the edited version.
During our formative years we rarely understand how to navigate our emotional landscape. Painful feelings are often bottled up, rejected and forgotten. While the mind may in time learn to repress painful memories, our bodies do not. Unprocessed emotions are the building blocks of ego. Emotional gaps are replaced by bricks of fiction, false narratives about the past. These thoughts are whispered and repeatedly told to the self. “This did not hurt as much as we think it did,” or “It was my choice to break-up with them”. This inner dialogue is not designed to deceive others, but to help us survive the emotional hurt.
What is the true, eventual cost of these building blocks? A defensive fortress is constructed from our unresolved pain trapping the emotions inside. We may gain an immediate reprieve from difficult feelings, but we lose access to reality, trading present comfort for prolonged internal exile. When we use fiction to numb pain, we ensure the core emotional lesson is never absorbed. If the narrative claims that the difficulty was entirely someone else’s fault, we are avoiding accountability. This leaves us open to repeating the same dynamic again and again until it becomes a maladaptive behaviour pattern. This behaviour patten continues in a continuous loop until we set free the original emotion trapped behind the false narrative.
The false narrative is a house of cards. It requires constant, vigilant upkeep and cannot withstand the inevitable, sudden wind of a new, painful event. When life inevitably challenges the lie (e.g. a new rejection that mirrors an old heartbreak), the entire scaffolding collapses. The pain is not just felt; it is experienced with the added, terrifying force of the shame of the deception. We reel, not from this current setback, but from many layers of false narrative and illusion.
The role of therapy is not to brutally shatter the false narrative; that act of violence would only deepen the trauma. The work of healing is a process of gentle, persistent illumination of concealed emotions where our rejected truth resides. Psychotherapy provides a safe platform for this courageous act. The first step in dismantling the false narrative is to slow down the unconscious loop of maladaptive behaviour cycles. By doing so, we can gain access to the precise feeling the narrative was designed to evade leading to inner balance within and without.
Excuses can be seen as a way to mitigate personal responsibility or as a subtle form of apology. We often use them in hopes of softening the frustration of someone we have let down, yet consistently relying on excuses can reveal a conscious or unconscious attempt to manipulate other people’s emotions, seeking either pity or control. It’s important to differentiate between someone making an excuse to spare another’s feelings and someone doing so to avoid accountability.
We employ all kinds of excuses to justify poor behaviour. These excuses spring from our belief system and are fertilised by unconscious guilt, shame or denial. Admitting we are wrong deflates the ego, while using an excuse neutralises the effect on our self-esteem. Using excuses like being distracted or overwhelmed with work is less damaging to our ego than admitting we are negligent or forgetful. Excusing our behaviour shifts responsibility to external factors, allowing us to avoid accountability. In so doing, we do not have to feel or process any guilt associated with our behaviour.
When we continually use excuses to mask our behaviour, we are signalling to the world that we have no control over our actions. Our energy conveys that we are not mature enough to take responsibility for our choices and their consequences. Excuses and denial are weeds that choke the seeds of potential. Every excuse we make to avoid facing our emotions stunts our growth, and the harm we inflict on our authentic self is mirrored back to us by the outer world.
Energy Signals
Feelings, such as shame and guilt, are less desirable than dignity or pride, and call for humility. It is the value judgment we attach to an emotion that characterises the feeling as right or wrong, good or bad. These labels are often subjective and are shaped by past experiences and beliefs. The key to releasing an emotion is to allow it to exist without assigning a value to it. This form of acceptance is transformational.
Emotions are energy signals from our body informing us of certain behaviours that are out of alignment with our authentic self. If we’ve wronged someone, they serve as a prompt to address the situation. If we avoid the prompt, the energy from the emotion is projected in the mind and becomes distorted by value judgements. For instance, a man cuts ahead of people queueing at a coffee takeout. He becomes aware of an energy signal that indicates he is out of sync with the people around him (our collective energy comes from the same source). Instead of apologising or stepping back in line, he ignores the emotion, and it triggers a feeling response such as ‘I’m justified because I am in a hurry’, or, ‘I am a regular customer and deserve to be served first’.
An objectified emotion becomes a feeling. Continuing to ignore energy signals lead to further projection of hurt and pain onto the world around us, which can manifest in disagreements at work, or arguments at home. If not addressed, these situations escalate into conflict and drama.
We may automatically use avoidance as the best option to numb our feelings by binging on TV, food or drink. Regardless of the avoidance strategy we use, we are letting our unresolved conflicts dictate our behaviour instead of confronting the issue. When we deny a feeling within us, we consign the energy to the unconscious where it causes behavioural defects. When we avoid necessary conversations to resolve conflicts, it often stems from a fear of the outcome. We may have witnessed or participated in conflicts that led to irreparable breakdowns, which have shaped our coping strategies. We might either avoid disputes altogether to preserve a relationship, or end a relationship to steer clear of conflict. This is the foundation of maladaptive behaviour, where we link every tense argument to a potentially explosive situation based on our history.
Releasing Emotions
We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.
When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.
We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience.
The landscape of counselling has been transformed by the advent of online therapy. No longer do we need to stress about battling traffic, searching for a car park space near the therapist’s office, or worrying about making it to an appointment on time via public transport. Instead, we can simply make a cup of tea, settle into a quiet space, and click on the secure link sent by our therapist.
The ease and accessibility of online counselling have made therapy more inclusive and convenient, allowing individuals to seek support from the comfort of their own homes. Whether you are juggling a busy schedule, living in a remote location, or simply prefer the privacy of an online session, virtual therapy provides a seamless way to access professional support without additional logistical concerns.
The Changing Face of Online Therapy: Chrysalis and PALM
In the UK, Chrysalis has long been recognised as a leading provider of counselling courses, offering comprehensive training for aspiring therapists nationwide. Recently, they have expanded their services to include online therapy through a pioneering mental health initiative known as PALM.
Palm
I had the privilege of joining the PALM program during its pilot phase, helping to test and refine its online counselling service. The significant interest in this initiative highlights both the dedication of the team behind PALM and the growing demand for hassle-free therapy options. PALM has developed a secure video platform and booking system designed with client confidentiality and user-friendliness in mind. One of its key benefits is the ability for clients to choose a therapist who feels like the right fit for them, reinforcing the importance of a personalised therapy experience.
Making the Most of Your Online Therapy Sessions
From my experience as an online therapist, I have gathered some useful tips for those considering one-to-one online counselling. Implementing these suggestions can help ensure you get the best out of your sessions:
Preparing for Your Sessions
Set Clear Goals: Consider what you hope to achieve from therapy. Setting realistic and achievable goals with your therapist can provide a sense of direction and progress.
Understand the Process: Ask your therapist how online therapy works and what to expect. If any terminology is unfamiliar, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification.
Create a Safe Space: Choose a quiet, private area in your home where you won’t be disturbed. If you’re concerned about being overheard, using headphones can enhance privacy.
Minimise Distractions: Turn off notifications, silence your phone, and close unnecessary tabs on your laptop to remain fully present during the session.
During the Session
Use Your Time Wisely: Therapy is your space to explore thoughts and emotions that you may not feel comfortable discussing with friends or family. Be open and honest with your therapist about how you’re feeling.
Stay Present: It can be easy to let your mind wander, especially in an at-home setting. Engaging fully in the session will help you gain the most from the experience.
After the Session
Take Time to Reflect: Once your session ends, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Are you overwhelmed, relieved, or experiencing a mix of emotions? This self-awareness can help you process your thoughts and track your emotional progress over time.
Step Outside If Possible: If you’ve had an intense session, a change of scenery, such as a short walk or some fresh air, can help ground you.
Reach Out for Support: If you feel the need, consider letting someone you trust know that you’ve had a session. Having a trusted person check in with you afterward can be a source of comfort.
Building Trust in the Online Therapy Space
It’s completely natural for therapy to feel unfamiliar at first. Building trust and establishing a strong connection with your therapist takes time. If you ever feel uneasy or unsure, communicating these feelings with your therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Being open about your experience allows your therapist to tailor their approach to better support you.
Therapy is a journey of self-discovery, healing, and growth. Whether you’re navigating a significant life transition, coping with grief, or seeking to understand yourself better, online counselling offers a valuable space for reflection and change. By approaching it with an open mind and a willingness to engage, you can make the most of this transformative process—right from the comfort of your own home.
Start your counselling journey today by browsing through Palm’s directory of skilled therapists at palmtalkingtherapy.com
Article written by Collette O’Mahony, Pluralistic Therapist and member of PALM.
Self-care is our way of prioritising mental, physical and emotional wellness. It can help manage symptoms of stress and anxiety, contributing to our overall well-being. Self-care is the act of caring for ourselves and making a conscious effort to do things we enjoy and that we will benefit from. It’s about being aware of our health, identifying our needs, and taking steps to meet them.
It may sound simple, given that we shower, dress and eat our meals on a daily basis. But self-care is more than taking care of our basic needs in a hurried or frenzied manner while we rush to the next task. We have to listen to our body to truly understand its needs. Keeping busy and socialising may work for some people, but others may benefit from some alone time. Prioritising our mental and emotional health is a priority, all well-being proceeds from here. As the flight attendant tells us in the airline’s ‘case of emergency’ talk before take-off, be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first before seeing to others. This applies to energy also; tap into your own energy source daily to recharge your system. Otherwise, you run the risk of absorbing energy from those around you.
The exchange of energy between people is a secondary supply at best, and is on a lower vibration than source energy. When we interact with people in a passive-aggressive, defensive or a fearful way, we are opening our energy field to negative influences. We run the risk of vibrating at a lower frequency and begin to feel tired, stressed and anxious. To combat this low frequency energy exchange, we must tap into our own source of energy on a daily basis. By practicing mindfulness, we can tap into the energy source at the core of our being. This not only has a calming and uplifting effect but it also helps to set strong boundaries, this will ensure we don’t absorb other people’s negative energy and they are unable to take our source energy through their behaviour and role play.
Keep a self-care journal. Note at least 3 things you did to contribute to your own well-being; such as a walk in nature, a relaxing bath, and 30 minutes of mindfulness. Find things to be grateful for, write them down. Sometimes, when we are at a low-ebb it is difficult to find things to be grateful for, but if you can open your eyes in the morning, walk the dog, see beauty in your surroundings then there are things to be grateful for. Gratitude ignites well-being, with this constant attitude you can transform your life.
I have listed below some essential actions toward well-being and self-care. You may add other things that benefit you such as reading, listening to music, stroking your pet or just sitting quietly with a cup of coffee.
1.Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment, and accepting it without judgment. Mindfulness has been scientifically proven to be a key element in stress reduction and overall happiness. Take at least 10 -15 minutes morning and evening to sit quietly. Make sure your phone is turned off or out of reach. Begin by taking 3 deep breaths, slowly breathing in and slowly releasing. Continue to focus on the breath until you become aware of the breathing process as a natural phenomenon. Your mind will run mental checklists and try to push you into the past or drag you into the future. Rather than resisting, or acting on thoughts, allow them to be there, almost like an overcast sky. Return your focus to the breath by inhaling and exhaling deeply a number of times. Eventually, thoughts will drift off if as you continue your commitment to the present moment.
2.Downtime.
Relaxation can give you some much-needed quiet time. It’s often the only time you can hear your own thoughts and reflect on your feelings. You may know what helps you to relax, like sitting down with a cup of tea and your favourite book, going for a dog walk, or having a long, warm bath. It’s important to schedule some downtime, making time to fully switch is beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing.
3.Set boundaries
It is important to know it’s not selfish to say no to someone, in fact sometimes it is necessary. Learning to say no without guilt can be empowering. Setting boundaries like this can give you the time and energy you need to rest, recharge and replenish your energy so you can also care for loved ones and family. Saying no isn’t always easy, you may worry you are letting someone down. But an important part of self-care is knowing when to step back and when to reach out for help. Counselling can help you work through these difficulties, teaching you how to set healthy boundaries and know when your mind and body need a break.
4.Physical Health.
Your physical health is as important as mental health, and the work hand-in-hand. Incorporating self-care into your lifestyle requires you to look into food nourishment, physical activity and sleeping habits. When we’re swamped with work and family duties, your physical health can often be the first to dwindle. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. If you’re going through a difficult time, sleep gives your body the chance to rest and your mind the time to process your day. What and when you eat can also affect how you feel and how you sleep.
5. Talking about your situation.
If you’re finding it hard to cope, talking to others can offer a sense of relief. Sometimes, we can be surrounded by people but we may feel very alone. There are people who care about you and support is available. Perhaps ask a friend to join you on a walk and ask if they could just listen to you talk rather than offering solutions. Part of self-care is not allowing yourself to go through the journey alone, there are several charitable foundations that offer group and one-to-one support. Self-care is about you and your health and there are times in life that we all need support. Never, underestimate the power of talking and listening, knowing that we matter is essential to our wellbeing.
While self-care is about caring for yourself, seeking and accepting help when it’s needed is a big part of self-management. If you’re stressed, feeling low or having difficulty coping day to day, going through it alone makes the journey all the more difficult. Counselling can help you understand how vital it is to take care of yourself. A counsellor can help you learn how to cope with your emotional stressors and behavioural issues leading to a greater understanding of yourself and those around you. Putting yourself first, contrary to social beliefs, is the single most important step you will ever take towards self-care and continued well-being.
Collette O’Mahony.
March 2024.
If you want to get in touch about online counselling (zoom) you can contact me at info@colletteomahony.com.
When love arises, it clears anything unlike itself. All fears, worries, false beliefs rise from the subconscious. Feelings of turmoil surface when fearful emotions and self-sabotaging thoughts start to arise in your awareness. Emotional pain can be acute causing you to use behavioural strategies to avoid difficult thoughts and emotions.
Set your intention to become aware of the avoidance strategies you employ to suppress feelings. It may be unhealthy habits such as overeating or food obsession, overspending on clothes, accessories or household items. Dependence on harmful substances such as drugs and alcohol are often used to mask emotional pain. Control issues such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or escapism into fantasy are attempts to numb the feeling body. Whatever your avoidance strategy, it affects your behaviour and those around you. Perhaps you are not aware you are using avoidance strategies. In many cases addiction is used to avoid your inner truth. Addiction is not the root of the problem, it is a symptom. The stronger the addiction is, the greater the pain beneath it. Guilt and shame compound addictions. Identifying with your habit or addiction strengthens its hold over you to the point where you are not even aware of it. Ask a trusted friend to help you identify your avoidance habits. Deeper issues such as substance abuse require the guidance of a professional. Once you see your avoidance strategy, set your intention to break the habit. Know that it is a learned behaviour pattern, it is not who you truly are. It is a temporary mask to cover the real you.
As fears come into your awareness, it takes vast amounts of energy to avoid them. Through ego, you use all kinds of distraction to avoid seeing truth. You want to avoid painful feelings arising from your past. Each time you identify with shame or guilt, you lock up the feelings energising them. Memories charged by fear, anger, or guilt have been shut in the emotional closet for too long. With positive intention and commitment to creating a new reality, avoidance habits rise into your awareness. When a feeling reaches the universal field of awareness, it can no longer operate in you through unconscious habits. You receive an inner nudge when you are reaching for another slice of cake or pouring one more glass of wine. At this point you can no longer blame your habit; you have an opportunity to make a choice to align with your intention for healing. You can ignore your behaviour or use the prompt to sit with arising feelings. Choose the present moment to overcome fear, expand your vision and create a new reality.
When you commit to being present, feelings associated with the past can be felt and released. Each time you acknowledge your avoidance mode, its grip weakens. Whether you feel attachment or guilt to the behaviour pattern, remain present to the feeling. Distracting yourself from the feeling only serves to strengthen it. To dissolve difficult feelings of guilt, shame, jealousy or anger, allow it to be present in this moment. Through your presence, these feelings can be absorbed by the universal field of awareness and transformed into free-flowing energy.
Collette OMahony (Author's blog) 