There is something deeply reassuring about feeling in control. When we know what is going to happen, what other people are thinking, how a situation will unfold and what we need to do next, life can feel more manageable. Control can give us the impression that we are protecting ourselves from uncertainty. But life does not offer us that kind of certainty.

People change. Relationships change. Circumstances change. Plans don’t always work out. Sometimes, despite everything we do to prepare, something unexpected happens. And when we don’t trust ourselves to cope with uncertainty, we can become increasingly focused on trying to control it.

When Control Becomes a Way of Feeling Safe

Control does not always look like controlling other people. It can happen entirely within us. We may overthink conversations, repeatedly check our decisions, seek reassurance, imagine every possible outcome, plan excessively, avoid situations where we might feel uncertain or constantly monitor how other people are responding to us. Underneath these behaviours there may be some beliefs that say: “If I can just work this out, I will feel safe.” “If I make the right decision, nothing will go wrong.” ” I don’t trust myself to deal with what happens if things go wrong.”

This is where control and self-trust become connected. Sometimes what looks like a need to control the future is actually a lack of trust in our ability to meet it.

The Beliefs We Carry

Our relationship with uncertainty is often shaped by what we have learned about ourselves and the world around us. If we have experienced situations where things felt unpredictable, we may become particularly sensitive to change. If we have learned that making mistakes leads to criticism or rejection, we may become afraid of making the wrong decision. If we have repeatedly relied on other people to tell us what is right, we may gradually lose confidence in our own judgement.

These experiences can form beliefs that we have poor coping strategies, that we make bad decisions, or if something goes wrong, we won’t know what to do.

These beliefs then influence our behaviour. We seek reassurance. We check. We analyse. We postpone decisions. We look outside ourselves for answers and each time we do this, we may experience a moment of relief. But the relief can come at a cost. We have not necessarily learned that we can tolerate uncertainty. We may instead have learned that we needed to remove the uncertainty before we could feel okay.

The Paradox of Control

This creates an interesting paradox. The more we try to control uncertainty, the less able we may feel to tolerate it. Our mind begins to believe that uncertainty means danger. So, when something changes, we immediately feel that we need to do something about it. We need certainty, we need reassurance.

Yet some of life’s most important experiences cannot be resolved through thinking harder. Sometimes there is no immediate answer, that another person’s feelings are outside our control. At times we have to make a decision without knowing exactly how it will turn out. And sometimes life simply asks us to wait.

Moving Towards Allowing

Allowing is not the same as giving up. It does not mean becoming passive or accepting situations that are harmful to us. It does not mean that we stop making decisions or stop taking responsibility for our lives. Allowing means making space for what is happening without immediately trying to control, suppress or resolve it.

It makes room for uncertainty and being okay with it. We stop trying to offer immediate resolutions and listen to the feeling. Similarly, we can listen to other people without needing to offer them advice, or asking them to decide for us. We can let a situation unfold while remaining connected to ourself.

There is something powerful about that shift. Instead of thinking how can we make sure everything will be okay; we begin asking can I trust myself to respond if things aren’t okay.

Rebuilding the Locus of Evaluation

This is also where our locus of evaluation becomes important. When we don’t trust ourselves, we can become overly dependent on external evaluation. We look to other people to tell us whether our feelings are valid, whether our decisions are right or whether we should stay, leave, speak, wait or change direction. Other people’s perspectives can be valuable. We don’t have to become completely independent of everyone else’s opinions. But there is a difference between listening to someone and handing them the authority to decide for us.

Self-trust begins to develop when we can listen to another person and still hear ourself. We can consider other opinions without abandoning our own. It’s okay to make a decision that someone else doesn’t agree with. This is not about always getting things right. It is about becoming increasingly able to follow your inner locus of evaluation. (see article Locus of Evaluation)

Self-Trust Is Built Through Experience

We cannot simply think ourselves into self-trust, it develops through experience. We make a decision and learn to live with the uncertainty that follows. When something doesn’t work out, we adapt. If we make a mistake, we learn. If someone is disappointed with us, we discover that we can tolerate their disappointment. A relationship changes and we discover that we can grieve, adjust and continue. Slowly, something begins to change. We develop evidence that we can cope and perhaps this is one of the most important differences between confidence and self-trust. Confidence can say: “I know I can do this.” Self-trust can say: “I don’t know exactly what will happen, but I trust myself to respond.” The second is far more useful when life becomes unpredictable.

You Don’t Have to Know What Happens Next

There will always be things we cannot control. We cannot control another person’s choices or control every outcome. We cannot prevent every disappointment or know exactly how our lives will unfold. But we can develop a different relationship with uncertainty. Instead of treating it as something that must immediately be eliminated, we can begin to see it as something we can experience. We can notice what we are feeling. We can consider what matters to us. We make the best decision we can with the information that is available to us. Then we can allow life to respond.

Self-trust is not about believing that we will always make the right decision. Perhaps it is trusting that if we make the wrong decision, we can learn. If something changes, we can adapt. If something hurts, we can allow ourselves to feel it. If life takes us somewhere we didn’t expect, we can find our way again.

We don’t need certainty before we move forward. Sometimes, we need something deeper. The trust that whatever life brings, we can trust ourselves to meet it.

Collette O’Mahony (Dip.Psy.C) August 2026

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

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