Monthly Archives: August 2026

Moving from Control and Uncertainty to Self-Trust and Allowing

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There is something deeply reassuring about feeling in control. When we know what is going to happen, what other people are thinking, how a situation will unfold and what we need to do next, life can feel more manageable. Control can give us the impression that we are protecting ourselves from uncertainty. But life does not offer us that kind of certainty.

People change. Relationships change. Circumstances change. Plans don’t always work out. Sometimes, despite everything we do to prepare, something unexpected happens. And when we don’t trust ourselves to cope with uncertainty, we can become increasingly focused on trying to control it.

When Control Becomes a Way of Feeling Safe

Control does not always look like controlling other people. It can happen entirely within us. We may overthink conversations, repeatedly check our decisions, seek reassurance, imagine every possible outcome, plan excessively, avoid situations where we might feel uncertain or constantly monitor how other people are responding to us. Underneath these behaviours there may be some beliefs that say: “If I can just work this out, I will feel safe.” “If I make the right decision, nothing will go wrong.” ” I don’t trust myself to deal with what happens if things go wrong.”

This is where control and self-trust become connected. Sometimes what looks like a need to control the future is actually a lack of trust in our ability to meet it.

The Beliefs We Carry

Our relationship with uncertainty is often shaped by what we have learned about ourselves and the world around us. If we have experienced situations where things felt unpredictable, we may become particularly sensitive to change. If we have learned that making mistakes leads to criticism or rejection, we may become afraid of making the wrong decision. If we have repeatedly relied on other people to tell us what is right, we may gradually lose confidence in our own judgement.

These experiences can form beliefs that we have poor coping strategies, that we make bad decisions, or if something goes wrong, we won’t know what to do.

These beliefs then influence our behaviour. We seek reassurance. We check. We analyse. We postpone decisions. We look outside ourselves for answers and each time we do this, we may experience a moment of relief. But the relief can come at a cost. We have not necessarily learned that we can tolerate uncertainty. We may instead have learned that we needed to remove the uncertainty before we could feel okay.

The Paradox of Control

This creates an interesting paradox. The more we try to control uncertainty, the less able we may feel to tolerate it. Our mind begins to believe that uncertainty means danger. So, when something changes, we immediately feel that we need to do something about it. We need certainty, we need reassurance.

Yet some of life’s most important experiences cannot be resolved through thinking harder. Sometimes there is no immediate answer, that another person’s feelings are outside our control. At times we have to make a decision without knowing exactly how it will turn out. And sometimes life simply asks us to wait.

Moving Towards Allowing

Allowing is not the same as giving up. It does not mean becoming passive or accepting situations that are harmful to us. It does not mean that we stop making decisions or stop taking responsibility for our lives. Allowing means making space for what is happening without immediately trying to control, suppress or resolve it.

It makes room for uncertainty and being okay with it. We stop trying to offer immediate resolutions and listen to the feeling. Similarly, we can listen to other people without needing to offer them advice, or asking them to decide for us. We can let a situation unfold while remaining connected to ourself.

There is something powerful about that shift. Instead of thinking how can we make sure everything will be okay; we begin asking can I trust myself to respond if things aren’t okay.

Rebuilding the Locus of Evaluation

This is also where our locus of evaluation becomes important. When we don’t trust ourselves, we can become overly dependent on external evaluation. We look to other people to tell us whether our feelings are valid, whether our decisions are right or whether we should stay, leave, speak, wait or change direction. Other people’s perspectives can be valuable. We don’t have to become completely independent of everyone else’s opinions. But there is a difference between listening to someone and handing them the authority to decide for us.

Self-trust begins to develop when we can listen to another person and still hear ourself. We can consider other opinions without abandoning our own. It’s okay to make a decision that someone else doesn’t agree with. This is not about always getting things right. It is about becoming increasingly able to follow your inner locus of evaluation. (see article Locus of Evaluation)

Self-Trust Is Built Through Experience

We cannot simply think ourselves into self-trust, it develops through experience. We make a decision and learn to live with the uncertainty that follows. When something doesn’t work out, we adapt. If we make a mistake, we learn. If someone is disappointed with us, we discover that we can tolerate their disappointment. A relationship changes and we discover that we can grieve, adjust and continue. Slowly, something begins to change. We develop evidence that we can cope and perhaps this is one of the most important differences between confidence and self-trust. Confidence can say: “I know I can do this.” Self-trust can say: “I don’t know exactly what will happen, but I trust myself to respond.” The second is far more useful when life becomes unpredictable.

You Don’t Have to Know What Happens Next

There will always be things we cannot control. We cannot control another person’s choices or control every outcome. We cannot prevent every disappointment or know exactly how our lives will unfold. But we can develop a different relationship with uncertainty. Instead of treating it as something that must immediately be eliminated, we can begin to see it as something we can experience. We can notice what we are feeling. We can consider what matters to us. We make the best decision we can with the information that is available to us. Then we can allow life to respond.

Self-trust is not about believing that we will always make the right decision. Perhaps it is trusting that if we make the wrong decision, we can learn. If something changes, we can adapt. If something hurts, we can allow ourselves to feel it. If life takes us somewhere we didn’t expect, we can find our way again.

We don’t need certainty before we move forward. Sometimes, we need something deeper. The trust that whatever life brings, we can trust ourselves to meet it.

Collette O’Mahony (Dip.Psy.C) August 2026

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.

To book a free introduction session click here.

When Familiar Feels Like Love

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Why Do We Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns?

Sometimes we find ourselves living through the same emotional story with different people. The faces change, the circumstances change, yet something about the relationship feels strangely familiar. We may find ourselves waiting for someone to choose us, working hard to keep someone close, becoming anxious when they pull away, rescuing others, or feeling drawn towards people who cannot quite give us what we need. Why does this happen?

Perhaps because we are not always drawn towards what is healthy or even what we consciously want. Sometimes, we are drawn towards what we recognise. What feels familiar can feel strangely like home, even when home was not always a safe or comfortable place to be.

What We Learn Becomes What We Expect

From an early age, we begin learning about relationships. We learn how people respond to our needs, how affection is expressed, how conflict is handled and whether closeness feels safe or uncertain. These experiences gradually become internal expectations. A child who learns that love is inconsistent may grow into an adult who watches carefully for signs that someone is pulling away. Someone who learned that they had to keep others happy may become an adult who automatically puts their own needs aside. Someone who experienced emotional distance may become particularly sensitive to rejection. These responses are not necessarily conscious choices. They can become deeply embedded ways of navigating relationships. Over time, an experience can become a belief. The belief becomes an expectation. The expectation influences our behaviour. And our behaviour can then reinforce the original belief. It becomes a cycle.

The Stories We Carry About Ourselves

Some of these beliefs are about other people:

People cannot really be trusted.

People eventually leave.

If I don’t keep trying, they will lose interest.

Love can disappear without warning.

But some of the deepest beliefs are about ourselves:

I am not enough.

My needs are too much.

I have to earn love.

I am responsible for how other people feel.

If someone is unhappy with me, I must have done something wrong.

We may not consciously think these things every day. Yet they can quietly influence the choices we make, the people we are attracted to and the way we respond when relationships become difficult. This is one reason why changing a relationship pattern can be so difficult. We are not simply changing a behaviour. We may be challenging a belief that has been reinforced for many years.

Why We Repeat the Pattern

We don’t necessarily choose the same type of person repeatedly. Sometimes, we recreate the same emotional position with different people. The names change. The circumstances change. The relationship may look completely different. et internally, we may find ourselves becoming the same version of ourselves. The one who waits, or the one who pursues. The one who rescues, or the one who pleases. The one who proves their worth, or one who becomes anxious. The one who withdraws before they can be rejected.

This is where repetition becomes interesting. We can unconsciously return to familiar situations because they give us another opportunity to experience something we already understand, even if that experience is painful. Familiarity can feel more comfortable than uncertainty because at least we know how to respond to it. A healthy relationship may therefore feel unfamiliar at first. Someone who communicates openly may feel strangely difficult to trust. Someone who offers affection freely may leave us wondering what they really want. A calm relationship may even feel as though something is missing. Not because there is something wrong with the relationship. Because our internal system has learned to associate intensity, uncertainty or emotional pursuit with connection.

The Self-Fulfilling Pattern

There is another reason these patterns can become so powerful. Our beliefs influence how we behave, and how we behave can influence how other people respond to us. Imagine someone who believes that people will eventually leave. They become anxious when their partner needs space. They seek reassurance. They monitor changes in tone or behaviour. They become increasingly preoccupied with the relationship. Their partner may then feel pressured and begin withdrawing. The withdrawal confirms the original belief:

“I knew they would leave.”

The belief becomes stronger. This does not mean that we are responsible for another person’s behaviour. Nor does it mean that every relationship problem originates within us. It means that our history can influence the way we enter relationships and interpret what happens within them.

Becoming Aware of the Pattern

Changing these patterns begins with noticing them. Instead of asking only, “Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?”, we might begin asking:

What role do I keep finding myself in?

What do I expect from other people?

What do I believe I have to do to be loved?

What happens inside me when someone gets close?

Does this feel right, or does it simply feel familiar?

These questions create a small but important space between the old pattern and the present moment. And within that space, something becomes possible. Choice.

We cannot change experiences that happened to us. We cannot rewrite every belief we learned along the way. But we can begin to recognise the stories we have carried forward and question whether they still belong in our lives. Perhaps healing is not about becoming someone completely different. Perhaps it is about becoming aware of the version of ourselves that learned how to survive certain relationships, and gently teaching that part of us that life, and love, can be different now. Because familiar is not always safe. Familiar is not always healthy. And familiar is not necessarily love. Sometimes, it is simply what we learned to call love before we knew there was another way.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives. To book a free introduction session click here.

From Adaptation to Authenticity: Learning to Live from the Adult Self

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Many of us learn early in life how to adapt ourselves to the world around us. We learn how to behave, how to gain approval, how to avoid conflict, how to be helpful, successful, quiet, independent, or responsible. These adaptations can serve us well. They help children find their place within their families and make sense of the relationships around them. But as we grow older, the strategies that once helped us belong may not always help us become fully ourselves. Adulthood brings a different question: Who am I when I am no longer simply adapting to what other people expect of me?

The Child We Learn to Be

As children, we have limited power over our environment. We depend upon adults for safety, care, approval, and belonging. It is therefore natural for a child to become highly attentive to what is expected of them. A child may learn that being good brings approval. Another may discover that achievement gains recognition. Someone else may become the peacemaker in the family, learning to anticipate other people’s moods and keep the emotional environment calm. Some children become independent very early because they learn that relying on others feels uncertain. Others become highly accommodating because maintaining connection feels particularly important. These responses are not signs of weakness. They are adaptations. The child is working out, in the best way they know, how to belong and remain emotionally safe.

When Adaptation Becomes a Pattern

As we grow older, these early adaptations can become part of our behavioural patterns. What was once a response to a particular environment can gradually become an automatic way of approaching life. The person who learned to please others may continue to put other people’s needs before their own. The child who learned to avoid conflict may become an adult who struggles to express disagreement. The child who received approval primarily through achievement may become an adult who finds it difficult to feel worthwhile without succeeding. The person who learned to manage everyone else’s emotions may find themselves continually anticipating how others will respond before allowing themselves to have their own response. These patterns can become so familiar that they feel like personality. Yet sometimes what we call “this is just who I am” is actually a learned way of being.

Understanding the Adult Self

Transactional Analysis (TA) offers a useful way of understanding these different aspects of ourselves. Within TA, the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states describe different ways of thinking, feeling, and responding. The Child can carry the emotional experiences and adaptations of earlier life. The Parent can contain messages, values, rules, and attitudes absorbed from important people around us. The Adult has a different role. The Adult is the part of us capable of observing what is happening in the present, considering information, reflecting, and making choices based on current reality. This does not mean becoming detached from emotion. The Adult is not emotionless. Rather, it allows us to recognise our emotions without automatically allowing old emotional patterns to determine our behaviour.

From Reaction to Choice

One of the important movements towards adulthood is the gradual shift from automatic reaction towards conscious choice. This can be easier to understand when we notice what happens during emotionally charged situations. Someone may receive criticism and immediately feel small, defensive, or ashamed. Another person may experience disagreement and feel an urgent need to restore harmony. Someone else may become angry when they feel controlled and respond by withdrawing or becoming oppositional. The emotional response may belong partly to the present moment, but it can also carry something familiar from the past. The Adult position allows us to pause. Instead of asking only, “Why am I reacting like this?”, we can begin asking: What is actually happening here? “What am I feeling?” “What do I need?” “How do I want to respond?” This pause creates something extremely valuable: choice.

Authenticity is Responsibility

Living authentically does not mean saying whatever comes into our minds or acting on every emotion. It is not about rejecting responsibility or ignoring the needs of others. Authenticity involves becoming more honest about our internal experience while remaining capable of considering the wider situation. We can feel angry without becoming aggressive. We can feel disappointed without blaming someone. We can disagree without creating conflict. We can say no without believing that we are a bad person. We can care about another person’s feelings without taking responsibility for regulating them. This is part of becoming responsible and psychologically adult.

When the Adapted Child Is Triggered

One of the difficulties is that old adaptations can become activated very quickly. A conversation with a parent may suddenly make an adult feel like a child again. A disagreement with a partner may trigger an intense need for reassurance. A request from a manager may evoke feelings of inadequacy or fear of disappointing someone. In these moments, the Adult can become harder to access. This is where emotional regulation becomes important. Rather than trying to suppress the reaction, we can learn to notice it. “Something in me feels threatened.” “I recognise this feeling.” “I don’t have to respond immediately.”

The aim is not to eliminate the Child or the Parent within us. These parts contain valuable experiences, emotions, values, and learning. The aim is to allow the Adult to become more available to them.

From Inherited Expectations to Personal Values

As we move through adulthood, another important question begins to emerge: What do I actually believe? Not what did my family believe. Not what will make other people happy. Not what will make me appear successful. Not what I was taught I should want. But what genuinely matters to me?

This can be surprisingly difficult. Many people reach their twenties or thirties before realising that some of their goals were inherited rather than chosen. They may have pursued a particular career because it represented success within their family. They may have entered relationships according to expectations they had never consciously examined. They may have learned that stability, achievement, marriage, independence, or financial success were the measures of a good life. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things. The important question is whether they are chosen.

The Courage to Reconsider

Authenticity sometimes requires us to reconsider parts of our lives that once seemed certain. This can be uncomfortable. We may discover that something we worked hard to achieve no longer feels meaningful. We may realise that a relationship pattern we once accepted no longer feels healthy. We may begin setting boundaries that others are not accustomed to. This does not necessarily mean that we are becoming selfish or difficult. Sometimes growth simply makes old patterns more visible. The challenge is learning to tolerate the discomfort that can come with doing something differently.

Becoming the Author of Our Own Life

Moving from adaptation towards authenticity is not something that happens all at once. It is a gradual process of becoming more conscious of the choices we make and the reasons behind them. We begin to notice when we are seeking approval. We recognise when fear is making a decision for us. We become aware of the difference between what we genuinely want and what we believe we should want. We learn that another person’s disappointment does not automatically mean we have done something wrong.

Slowly, the centre of decision-making moves inward. We become less dependent upon external reactions to tell us who we are.

How Therapy Can Help

This process can be difficult to navigate alone because many of our adaptations operate outside conscious awareness. Therapy provides a space to explore these patterns without judgement and to understand where they came from. It can help us recognise the difference between an old emotional response and what is actually happening in the present. It can also provide an opportunity to explore the beliefs we have inherited, the roles we have adopted, and the expectations that continue to shape our choices.

Rather than simply asking, “How can I stop doing this?”, therapy can help us ask a more useful question: “What would I choose if I were responding from my adult self?”

From there, new possibilities begin to emerge.

A Compassionate Perspective

The goal of adulthood is not to leave our childhood selves behind. The child within us carries important experiences, emotions, creativity, vulnerability, and memories. Our earlier adaptations deserve understanding rather than criticism. They helped us navigate the world we were given. But adulthood gives us something that childhood could not: greater freedom to reflect, question, choose, and change. We can honour the ways we learned to survive while deciding which ways of being we want to carry forward. Authenticity is not about becoming someone completely different. It is about gradually becoming more fully ourselves. It’s about meeting the version of ourselves that we most want to be.

Collette O’Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives. To book a free introduction session click here.