Many adults struggle in relationships, with emotions, or with their sense of self without fully understanding why. Often, the missing piece is this: they grew up with a parent who was carrying unresolved trauma. This article is for adult children of trauma-affected parents. It is not about diagnosing parents or assigning blame. Instead, it’s about understanding how growing up around unprocessed trauma can shape a child and how that child, now an adult, can begin to heal. A parent does not need to talk about their trauma for it to affect their child. Trauma lives in the nervous system, and children are exquisitely sensitive to it. They feel it in tone, in mood shifts, in emotional absences, and in reactions that seem bigger than the moment calls for. A trauma-affected parent may feel emotionally unpredictable to a child, sometimes present and loving, other times overwhelmed, withdrawn, anxious, controlling, or unreachable. Even when care and love are present, they may exist alongside fear, confusion, or emotional distance. For a child, this creates a painful contradiction: the same person who provides comfort may also be the source of distress. Over time, the child adapts.

Adaptation as Survival

Children always adapt to their environment. When a parent’s unresolved trauma dominates the emotional landscape, the child learns, often without awareness, what is required to stay connected and safe. Many adult children of trauma-affected parents learned to closely monitor moods, anticipate emotional shifts, stay quiet or helpful, take responsibility for other people’s feelings, or grow up far too quickly. These were not personality traits; they were survival strategies.

Often, these adaptations later become strengths. Empathy, responsibility, sensitivity, and attunement may be highly developed. But what once protected the child can later limit the adult, especially in relationships that require mutuality rather than vigilance.

Body Memory

Trauma is not just remembered; it is encoded in the nervous system. As adults, many people notice that being with their parent, or even thinking about them, triggers strong physical responses. Anxiety, panic, freezing, emotional shutdown, sudden anger, or overwhelming guilt can appear quickly and feel disproportionate. Some people notice that they feel much younger in these moments, as though they are transported back into the emotional world of childhood. These reactions are not signs of weakness or immaturity. They are learned survival responses. The body remembers what it had to do to stay safe long before the adult mind had language or choice.

Invisible Beliefs

Growing up around unresolved trauma often shapes quiet, deeply held beliefs about self and relationships. Many adult children carry an unspoken sense that their needs are too much, that they are responsible for other people’s emotions, or that closeness inevitably leads to danger or loss. These beliefs are rarely conscious, yet they influence boundaries, intimacy, work, and self-worth throughout adulthood. They shape how much space a person feels entitled to take, how safe they feel depending on others, and how easily they experience guilt when prioritising themselves.

Triggers

For many adult children, the parent themselves becomes a trauma trigger, not because the parent intends harm, but because the relationship is linked to years of emotional unpredictability. This can create a deep and painful inner conflict. There may be a longing for closeness alongside a strong sense of unsafety, compassion that exists next to anger or grief, or a tendency to minimize one’s own pain because the parent “had it worse.” Understanding this dynamic can be profoundly relieving. It explains why insight alone does not make these reactions disappear and why healing must involve the nervous system, not just logic or willpower.

One of the most difficult and most healing tasks for adult children is learning to hold two truths at the same time: a parent may have been deeply wounded and doing the best they could, and the child’s emotional needs were still not fully met. Acknowledging impact is not the same as blaming. Your pain does not invalidate your compassion, and your compassion does not erase your pain. Both can exist together.

Healing

Healing from parental trauma is not about fixing the parent or forcing forgiveness. It is about restoring safety, choice, and connection to oneself. This often includes learning to recognise and regulate trauma responses, developing boundaries that protect the nervous system, grieving the parent you needed but did not have, and untangling responsibility from love. Over time, it also means building relationships that feel steadier, more reciprocal, and less activating.

Healing rarely happens all at once. It unfolds gradually, in layers. What matters is not how much you understand, but how much safety you allow yourself to experience in the present.

If you grew up with a trauma-affected parent, your struggles make sense. You adapted to an environment that asked more of you than it should have. You are not broken. You are responding exactly as someone who learned to survive early and often. Healing does not require blame. It requires honesty, compassion, and the permission to care for yourself in ways you never received. You deserved safety then. You are allowed to choose it now.

For one-to-one counselling email me with your name, age and goals for therapy. I offer a free introductory session of 15 minutes. All sessions are online.

info@colletteomahony.com

Collette O’Mahony. February 2026.