Monthly Archives: December 2024

Resolving Conflict in Relationships

2 Replies

Recognising areas of conflict

To diffuse misunderstandings in a relationship, we must focus on the feelings that contribute to the situation by processing our emotions. We can then use analytical thinking grounded in facts rather than emotional thinking based on fear. This helps us to better understand our differences and look for a resolution. Conversely, if we exit relationships rather than work through conflicts, we risk accumulating a pattern of broken connections. While we might make excuses for relationship breakdowns or blame others for being unreasonable, we are ultimately at the centre of all our relationships. It is essential to recognise that conflict arises from our avoidance of processing emotions.

We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.

When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.

We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience. 

An extract from – A Compass for Change.

Click on the image to go to my Amazon Bookshelf.

Collette.

Understanding Defence Mechanisms

Leave a reply

Our ability to accept and admit our weakness demonstrates emotional maturity and courage of mind. Good mental health requires us to see past the defence mechanisms we employ to obscure our faults and failings. If we let ourselves be defined by these behavioural flaws, our unconscious thoughts continue to write misleading narratives in the story of our self-identity. Like a poisoned chalice, we must stop drinking from the well of unconscious beliefs. No matter how we try to rearrange or reorder our thoughts, they will not change without first addressing their source. True healing and personal evolution begin with inner reflection, not merely with superficial adjustments. Re-filling a chalice with water from the same poisoned well always has the same harmful effect.

We use all kinds of excuses to justify poor behaviour. These excuses spring from our belief system and are fertilised by unconscious guilt, shame or denial. Admitting we are wrong deflates the ego, while using an excuse neutralises the effect on our self-esteem. Using excuses like being distracted or overwhelmed with work is less damaging to our ego than admitting we are negligent or forgetful. Excusing our behaviour shifts responsibility to external factors, allowing us to avoid accountability. In so doing, we do not have to feel or process any guilt associated with our behaviour.

Excuses can be seen as a way to mitigate personal responsibility or as a subtle form of apology. We often use them in hopes of softening the frustration of someone we have let down, yet consistently relying on excuses can reveal a conscious or unconscious attempt to manipulate other people’s emotions, seeking either pity or control. It’s important to differentiate between someone making an excuse to spare another’s feelings and someone doing so to avoid accountability. When we continually use excuses to mask our behaviour, we are signalling to the world that we have no control over our actions. Our energy conveys that we are not mature enough to take responsibility for our choices and their consequences. Excuses and denial are weeds that choke the seeds of potential. Every excuse we make to avoid facing our emotions stunts our growth, and the harm we inflict on our authentic self is mirrored back to us by the outer world. As we suppress, so we are suppressed; as we deny, so we are denied.

2nd of December 2024.

Extract from A Compass for Change – a roadmap of self-discovery and transformation.