Change is an inevitable part of life, yet it is something many of us resist. We can know that something in our lives is no longer working and still find ourselves unable to change it. We may remain in a relationship that has become unhappy or unhealthy, stay in a job that is making us miserable, continue patterns of behaviour that we recognise are unhelpful, or repeatedly postpone a decision we know we need to make. Sometimes we can see clearly that change would be good for us, yet something within us holds back.
Why do we resist change? There is rarely one simple answer. Our response to change can be influenced by our early experiences, the beliefs we develop about ourselves and the world, patterns that operate outside our conscious awareness, and how much we trust ourselves to cope with whatever change might bring. Understanding where our resistance comes from can be the beginning of changing our relationship with change itself.
Our early experiences of change
As children, we have very little agency over the circumstances of our lives. Parents may separate. We may move house, change school or leave behind friends and familiar surroundings. A parent may take a new job and the whole family may move to another town, city or even country. For a child, a change that may appear practical or necessary to an adult can represent a profound disruption to their world. The people, places, routines and relationships that provide familiarity and security can suddenly change. Yet the child has little ability to influence what is happening. They have to adapt.
These experiences do not determine how we will respond to change as adults, but they can contribute to the beliefs we develop about what change means. For some, change may become associated with possibility, growth and adventure. For others, it may become associated with loss, uncertainty, disruption or having no control. Often, these associations are not conscious.
As we grow, our experiences become woven into the beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world around us. We may come to believe that change means losing something. Or we may develop very different beliefs that change can create new possibilities. These beliefs can influence us without us necessarily realising it. Two people can face almost identical circumstances and experience change very differently because of what change means to each of them.
When the unconscious influences our choices
This is where our resistance to change can become more difficult to understand. We may believe that we are simply making a conscious decision to stay where we are. But beneath that decision there may be fears, beliefs or protective patterns that we have never fully recognised. We may avoid change because it brings up feelings of uncertainty. We may become overwhelmed by the possibility of making the wrong decision. We may repeatedly seek reassurance from others because we don’t trust our own judgement. We may stay with what is familiar even when it is no longer healthy.
The pattern can become so familiar that we stop questioning it. We simply think: This is just how I am. But sometimes what feels like who we are is actually something we have learned in response to earlier experiences.
Carl Jung is often attributed with the following observation: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” The wording is commonly circulated as a paraphrase of Jung rather than a verified verbatim quotation, but the underlying idea is particularly relevant to our relationship with change. When we become more conscious of the beliefs and patterns influencing our choices, we create the possibility of responding differently.
When the familiar becomes safer than the healthy
This can help us understand why people sometimes remain in situations or relationships that have become toxic. From the outside, it is easy to judge the situation and think: ‘Why don’t they just leave?’
But leaving means stepping away from what is known. Even when the familiar situation is painful, it may still provide a degree of predictability. Change can bring uncertainty, grief, loneliness, financial concerns, guilt or the fear of having to face life differently. The question may therefore be less about why someone chooses something unhealthy and more about what they believe they might have to face if they leave. Sometimes we don’t resist change because we want to remain where we are. We resist because we don’t yet trust ourselves to cope with where we might end up.
Developing self-trust
This brings us to an important part of change: our relationship with ourselves. We cannot know exactly what will happen when we make a significant change. We cannot guarantee that a new relationship will work, that a new job will be better, that a difficult decision will have the outcome we hoped for, or that we will never experience regret. If we believe we need certainty before we act, we may remain stuck for a very long time. Self-trust offers another possibility. It is not the belief that everything will work out exactly as we want. It is the belief that whatever happens, we will find a way to meet it.
This is a very different kind of confidence. Instead of needing to trust the outcome, we begin to trust ourselves. We can acknowledge that something may be difficult without assuming that we will be unable to cope with it. We can recognise that we may feel afraid without allowing fear to make every decision for us. We can accept that we don’t have all the answers and still take the next step.
From resistance to awareness
Change often begins before we actually change anything. It can begin with noticing. Noticing the thought that keeps returning, the situation we repeatedly tolerate. Noticing the decision we continually postpone or the fear that appears whenever we consider doing something differently. We also begin to notice the voice that tells us that change is too risky, that we will regret our choices. It says, keep the status quo, things aren’t so bad. It’s all in our head. Rather than immediately arguing with these thoughts, we can become curious about them. Awareness creates space. Within that space, something important can happen. We can begin to distinguish between an old protective response and what we actually want in the present.
Rediscovering agency
As children, change may have happened to us. As adults, we have choices that we did not have then. We can pause, ask questions and seek support. We can establish boundaries. We can change direction. We can make mistakes and learn from them. We can decide what is right for us. This does not mean that adult change is always easy. Sometimes our circumstances genuinely limit our choices, and some changes involve profound loss or consequences that cannot simply be avoided. But recognising our agency can change our relationship with change. Instead of seeing ourselves as someone to whom life simply happens, we can begin to recognise ourselves as someone who can participate in shaping what happens next.
Allowing change rather than forcing it
Perhaps the most transformative shift is moving from forcing ourselves to change to allowing ourselves to change. Allowing change does not mean being passive. It means allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we feel rather than immediately pushing it away. It is allowing ourselves to grieve what we may be leaving behind. Allowing uncertainty to exist without demanding that we have every answer. Allowing ourselves to recognise that something no longer fits. And allowing the possibility that the future does not have to look like the past.
Sometimes change begins with a very small shift: I don’t have to respond in the same way I always have. That realisation can create space for a different choice. When we begin to make different choices, we can discover something that may have been difficult to believe before that we are capable of adapting. We cannot control every change that happens in our lives. We cannot prevent loss, uncertainty or unexpected events. But we can develop a different relationship with ourselves as we move through them.
The child who once had little choice over a family move is not the same person as the adult standing in front of a difficult decision today. The adult has more awareness, more experience and more choice. Change does not always need to be forced. Sometimes, transformation begins when we become conscious of what has been holding us back, reconnect with our own agency, and allow ourselves to take the next step.
If you are exploring change in your own life, my book A Compass for Change offers a further opportunity to reflect on the experiences, beliefs and patterns that can influence the way we navigate life’s transitions.
Change does not come with a map. But by becoming more aware of what shapes our choices, we can begin to develop our own inner compass — one that helps us move through uncertainty with greater self-awareness, trust and choice.
A Compass for Change explores this journey and offers reflections to help you understand yourself more deeply as you navigate change.
Collette O’ Mahony is a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor in private practice, working with clients online. She writes regularly on mental health and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on self-discovery, developing self-awareness, and supporting individuals to take meaningful responsibility for their inner lives.